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Wednesday, December 7, 2011(8:16am)
hi, I'm having some thoughts about interpersonal interactment,
namely I feel guilty for being rude while someone else
was trying to finish a sentece.
strange, I guess I've been on the receiving end of it
and hated it.
yet, I didn't quite learn.
is this part of my "comedic genius",
recognizing patterns in conversation and pouncing at the moment?
I'm so hilarious the world just hasn't caught up...
(yeah...)
anyhow I don't want to offend people, new friends or co-workers
etc...
hopefully publishing my concern here will absolve me of this sin
and I can finally forgive myself for it.
and I wish I could tweet this guilt away
but 140 characters isn't enough, I was raised Catholic, after all

November 25, 2011 (11:06pm)
After that last entry, on Nov. 17th I went to zuccotti park to support Occupy Wall Street.
Having recently lost my job, I had to decide to go surfing in the cold,
or go join in on the marches planned for 7am.
Procrastinating, I watched the masses accumulating
on wide arial views (due to a media-blackout-style "no fly zone" issued) on tv
and streaming video on the web,
then finally decided to just go.
Getting off the train, I swear, it looked like any other day in the financial district,
people walking fast with phones to thier ears, plastic bags, leather bags,
maybe just a bit more eye contact than usual, but not much.
I started going downtown faster, I had to find it.
After a couple of police barricade lined blocks I finally heard the drums and voices.
I arrived to a group of about 3-400 people crowding the sidewalks on all 4 corners
at the intersection of Nassau and Pine, everyone facing into the street shouting and chanting.
Police were standing alone, staggered in the street, looking suprisingly relaxed.
It was nice to be greeted by a humane edge to the protests,
seeing the police officers, men and women,
weren't scared shitless of being eaten alive by the hundreds of people
surrounding them and screaming.
That's where I saw someone first yell "MIKE CHECK!"
We, Aneta and I, had read on a Polish news website about the practice
of a non-electrified speaker being repeated by the crowd
so other protesters further away could hear what was being said.
I found it noble that without electricity protesters in the park were repeating information
by thier voices,
and just as the cops had taken the electricity the night before
so had the local news neglected to report what was actually happening.
I had to get an account from a report published half a planet away,
yet the information manages to get through.
These 'mike checks' were being repeated in quadruplicate
once by each corner, pretty amazing.
News that the Wall Street bell had been postponed was buzzing through the crowd,
and trough tweets. And finally we sang the National Anthem,
I did notice one of the police officers mouthing the words with us,
kind of made me feel like we are all in it together,
aren't we though, after all?
I marched with the group back to Liberty Square
where I talked to a few people and observed for a bit,
actually here is some footage of that day... you can see me geeking out bigtime
in the bottom right corner of the screen, 1:12:25 into this video.
(in my defense I was reading his press tag which said
"the other 99" which the stream what motivated me to actually
get my ass down there that morning.)
so, today I watched "Capitalism: A Love Story"
and if you ever wonder what the OWS is all about
why people aren't happy
and why people refuse to leave Libery Square
watch that movie.
Fact checkers please please dispute anything you may think are lies or bias
that Michael Moore submits as truth,
I'd be glad to any of hear it.

nov. 16, 2011 (11:31pm)
feel pretty vunerable, my finances are teetering on a few handshakes
pretty pathetic that I have to beg and do all this just for a mediocre financial existence
am I so stupid that I can't find the means to earn a living wage?
have I become such an outcast to society that I can't be accepted and paid a normal salary
just like every one else?
I'm a big liar, you can see through me every thing I do.
did you expect anything less?
I shouldn't talk so much, that's the only time I lie.

Sunday 10-30-2011(8:41am)
Good morning,
my daily-ish running has been put on hold for a week or so
because of pain in my right ankle
making my whole right leg ache strangely.
That said, I'm considering turning this blog into a "dying man's" journal
like the blogging cancer patients who summon millions of followers,
just longer.
I'll log my daily deterioration,
my struggle and hopes to fight it,
then I'll die.
Each day I'll have some insightful and profound moment that I'll share,
that will speak to people at thier core,
not only reminding them how essential it is to be alive,
but also how lucky they are to not be me.
I'll have a long list of things I used to be able to do
but sadly, in my condition, I can't do any longer.
I'll have pictures in which I look healty and happy
then show you what I look like now.
When I'm gone there will be an picture of an empty bed
the sunlight will pierce through the window for the first time in days,
it'll be seen long enough to get a picture of it, then the room will empty again.
The light will bounce off the sheets and now sentimental tiny objects on the bedside table
casting reflections on the walls, even the ceiling.
"Alexis would have liked this" a comment or thought would pass while standing in the doorway.
As the room goes on paying it's silent tribute to the space where I lived, ate, shit, and finally died.
The peaceful beauty without an audience continues, and will, over and over after I'm gone.
So, I'm asking in the most honest way I know,
if you'll please sympathize rather than empathize with me when I say
I'm dying and I'm not sure if I even give a crap.

Saturday, 10/8/2011(7:28pm)
hi, paddled out today for my first October surf session.
and guess what? I finally caught a wave!
on a "flat, inconsistant" day, standing up on my board felt pretty good
(so now I'm looking for rubber booties, gloves and a hood...)
things to consider:
occupy wall street (now and forever),
potential illness coming,
RIP Amy Winehouse (now and forever),
running,
the legend of zelda in my pocket,
carving a block of plaster,
data plans,
student loan forbearance
the end of the world
and and I've got aneta mad at me
(for being a db and choosing to try a job that everyone knew was impossible.)
I got no money,
and I just got paid.
how I wish I had someone reading this blog
I'm in an aweful way
not aweful enough to start smoking again
but maybe bad enough to order chinese food.
deep thought for the day:
I noticed that I named this website "past.html"
and it always made perfect sense to me, named as such.
I guess because at the moment of every entry's completion
it becomes the past, whether it be less than a millisecond ago, or years ago
I wonder if this correlates to my twitter presence
and my absence from this page
since I'm "all about the now"
and I "don't waste my time with the past(.html)
ok homeslices,
until next time,
don't take the bait.

8/10/2011(6:41am)
(GPMC's biopsy results found spindle cells,
and the doctor explained those are typical of
certain types of cancers, malignant cancers.
just one of the samples came up with this
and it's possible it's a mistake
anyways, wee she seems happy
ps. London's burning - I hope it spreads all the way here
not because I feel like I'd survive in an anarchist state,
but because I know the government should have reminders
of the unrest that exists,
and they don't listen to votes,
they only listen to burning cars.

8/3/2011(12:44am)
today (yesterday) we found out that GP Morgan has lumps in her
lymph areas, and one in her belly the size of a walnut.
some samples were taken to see what kind of cells the lumps are made of
and the vet will call us in a couple of days.
the walnut could be a hormonal problem that could potentially be fixed
if she got spayed
otherwise, she may get a steroid to fight it-
she seems normal, active, eating, pooping,
but I'm sad she's sick, of course.
gpmc is my favorite gp ever.
so when the vet was taking the biopsy samples
gp nibbled on my finger gently like she does
when she doesn't want to be held anymore.
that's my cue, otherwise she'll pee on me.
she's so cute,
she trusts us and she was very happy to be home.
I did lose it a bit, crying for my gp.
man,
this has to be perfect fodder for what's called "twittercide"

6/26/2011(11:57pm)
ok, I was lying in bed
strumming through the inspiring propaganda tweets
I could potentially offer to my 'captured' audience
and was thinking of writing a simple form script that will
update my website automatically
an html script designed to I have to look into this
and I was craving some chocolate cake and milk
(I had to settle for some months-old, prepackaged brownies from the freezer)

6-14-2011(10:19pm)
ok, so today, for the first time, with the help of my Lola Edna's wok
I successfully made my own Pancit
(and it actually tastes like pancit,
better than some I've had, even.)
here's the recipe:
soak rice noodles and drain
marinate sausage(mexican chorizo), chicken, and shrimp in soy sauce and lemon juice
fry 4 chopped cloves of garlic and one coarsely chopped onion
add meat and marinate, cover and sautee
add 4 chopped carrots, 4 stalks of celery, and a chopped handful of greenbeans
cover until liquid collects
add noodles and cover in sauce
add small chopped head of cabbage and chopped bundle of green onions
let simmer until cabbage wilts
turn off heat and add crumbled pork rind,
toss and add lemon juice to flavor
note: this was all done on high heat
eat and enjoy!
I was told that this pan was actually the wok
my grandmother brought to the united states
from the Phillipines in the 1960's
ok, so tomorrow I will try to start to take 5 pictures a day
we'll see how it works.
peace!

6-14-2011(12:19am)
Rest in Peace Lola Edna Palileo
1919-June 7, 2011

6/11/2011(1:18pm chicago time)
ok, so I would be lying if I didn't say I'm glad to be going home.
that word 'home' has plenty of meanings now.
of course home is always where my loved ones are:
aneta, gpmc, mom & dad, cassidy, justin
but when it comes to comforts
like a full fridge, a wardrobe where nothing's missing or forgotten
and a comfortable existence
I call Ridgewood home, and I call Centerville home too.
seeing my cousin's family displaced by my aunt's passing
of course disproves my theory,
of home being where the heart is
but challenges the idea of the strength in family being relationships
rather than just a familiar fridge,
I just realized through a conversation with my cousin that
not having her childhood home in the family anymore had a greater effect on
her and her family than I thought
of course the siblings are all chasing thier futures and such
but I still feel lucky that I can call my childood neighborhood, my parents' neighborhood
home.
sorry this probably needs to be edited a lot more than I can do now

5/23/2011(7:41am)
my may 16th tweet should have read:
"A suspicious young mistiza across the train
read from a book of clouds,
as the Domino Sugar building appeared abruptly from the fog,
much bigger than it had ever been before."

5/9/2011(12:40am)
hey what's up?
why am I pretending to be an artist?
when I'm not
maybe I want to be an artist
with a brain and body that realizes concepts
beautifully illustrated and explored to thier fullest
with airtight reasoning and curiosity,
with the craftsmanship deserved of such lofty things,
with a following that will never let me do wrong.
art is about juxtapositions, statements, and observations,
am I confused about what it is to me?
is it something to prove what a big brain I have,
or to show what skilled hands I have?
or is it an arena to play my one good hand
to ultimately immortalize me?
are my eyes too fixed on a prize,
so far away that I only see a mountain of work in front of me
and not my next step?
is it safe to say, now
that I have given up.
and the joke has become reality?
if I can convince myself that my ideas
are worth the effort to express them again
that may be the first step.
I am not like the "artists"
I do not have access and funding for any material I please.
I should treat this time like an exercise,
an exercise in using materials, whatever I can get.
ugh,
really?

4/18/2011(5:50am)
good morning, as I carve an existence in the one city in the world
most representational of the state of our civilization.
it bothers me to think...
so I shouldn't
-a

3/4/2011 (12:04am)
today's letter to my Glassblowing 1 class:
Hello,
So, I used to work for a glassblower who, when interviewed about his art, mentioned (something to the point of) "since glass is all about heat and I'm all about glass, I take the same philosophy toward glass and apply it to food... and it's totally like, the same thing." While I agree with him on some points, like glass is all about the heat, and he is all about glass, I don't know about the cooking thing. But I do know that having a 900 degree oven, a 1200 degree garage, and an 1800 degree gloryhole does offer opportunities that my microwave and George Foreman Grill cannot.
so on that note, at the end of class tomorrow we'll have a little snack session. Miho and I will be bringing some snacks, feel free to bring something you'd like to share. (if you are considering throwing a pizza in the annealer, let me know first -we'd have to make space arrangements/wrap it in tinfoil to keep the brick dust out, etc.) experimentation is welcome (within moderation) and there is a full size fridge available to keep you cool and fresh.
looking forward to Saturday, have a great Friday!
-Alexis
I guess I like taking playful shots at some people,
not that I don't respect them or anything...
I actually think I'm still not quite right from having 11 of my pipes and punties
just walk out of the studio
yuk,
I still haven't digested it completely.
maybe I never will.

2-16-2011 (1am)
who am I kidding, I have plenty to do.
here's an a list:
devest glass pcs,shoot glass pcs, edit a quick video
follow up on tempered glass offer,
make super-blow-mold,
cast rubber for eggcrates,
cut fat swashtikas, and fuse or bind
invest sconces for pate-de-verre
here's a b list:
call hhc
do taxes
I should put more B vitamins in my diet
and I should work all day tomorrow
8 hours is the goal
I'll try to clock in and out
we'll see
and tony o. was awesome
I worry too much
now I just have to worry about my real job

2-13-2011 (9:47pm)
'watch it happen'
so today I met a gentleman named tony oursler
he wanted to book me to make some glass pieces
he was going to give me his email,
but I gave him a card with my email, instead.
turns out he's famous,
famous enough to not have any direct contact information
anywhere immediately on the internet.
he may have expected me to be a little more star struck,
but only after a few google searches did I,
remember seeing his work in boston.
and I don't think his work really resonated anywhere within me, necessarily.
perhaps in the grand scheme,
I have an artistic obligation to not encourage him to make any more.
instant karma in the flesh-losin like it's in style,
-alexis

2-12-2011 (9:35am)
got my ny plates yesterday,
glad I finally did it.
also I was told my chinese horoscope for this year
said there may be a car accident with some "blood shed".
crap, plus the registration expires on 2/13
so I've got the unlucky number 13 posted in the lower
left hand corner of my windshield.
just great.
I think there's something wrong with the bearings?
and I was also told the engine mount is bad, gotta fix that.
so...
please chillax to the sout-aprikan beats of Die Antwoord
unbelieveable

1-8-2011 3:14am
just some thoughts about things,
not writing it in here for you, though.
I have never been this sick, for as long as i can remember.
of course self-depreciating-I call it karma
like I've done such horrible things with my life,
that I deserve to cough up yellow mucus balls uncontrollably for 2 days straight.
this is turning out to be a very Catholic illness.
the word of the day is "conditional"
as in: "The parents, not knowing how to control thier child,
decided thier affection to be conditional according to the childrens' behavior,
causing the children to have trust issues for the rest of thier fucked up lives."
ok, that's enough.
wow, I'm a bitter apple,
(ya think?)
and in general I'm just trying to disguise it,
(or I'm trying to distract myself/you from it)
on that note, today is my 12,345th day on this planet,
is that at least cause for celebration?
hooray, I get a phlegm ticker tape parade.

1-6-2011 1:09pm
happy new year! well, I'm back from berlin/poznan/berlin
the streets of berlin on new year's were crazy,
people lighting off fireworks everywhere.
we stayed near Alexanderplatz and went out to Spittelmarkt
I think I saw my cousin, Andrea, on the U2 train platform
it's a small enough world, I guess.
it was a nice trip
but now I'm sick as hell, my throat hurts from coughing so much
uh
and apparently there was a partial solar eclipse in europe on the 3rd
but it was so overcast we didn't see the sun but once the entire trip.
so welcome to 2011... we've died and gone to heaven.
and happy birthday to me

12-22-2010 3:17am
yesterday I saw the end of a full lunar eclipse
that is, a full eclipse over a full moon
on the winter solstice, none the less.
I wondered if this day of epic timely coincidences would be remembered by me at all,
or if it would slip into my pocket with all the other coins, as most have before.
I was reminded of a news story I saw on 60 minutes this weekend,
about what's called "superior autobiographical memory".
this is the phenomenon where a person will remember every single day of his or her life.
I don't know how to describe myself sentimental, regretful, guilt riddled;
but as I sit here at 3:30am, unable to sleep because of some anxiety and worry of the day's events
(this one or any combination of the ones passed)
I would describe my memory as disasterous.
perhaps I am entertaining the wrong method to remembering my life.
but many times when i think back, I see scars and pain and regret.
like all the wrinkles in my brain are nothing but a record
of the damage that I've done to my life, and all the people in it.
(my brain is the manatee in the shallow florida vacation home bay waters of life,)
if I were burdened to remember every single day, I wouldn't be able to function
breakdowns would occur more often than they do now, and I would sleep even less.
I'd like to be able to say, "so may this day be forgotten, let them all be forgotten"
but I can't, and I won't
though my actions may speak otherwise,
I don't forget people and places that I shouldn't forget.
so let this day be remembered,
if nothing else in the shallow, unread 'blog' that is my life.
until next time,
May your moons be full and your nights be long when the shadow is cast...

12-7-2010 4:14am
ok, good morning
I managed to read some of the julie-julia project blog
and although I applaud how the movie brought the entire story
into context (and perhaps embellished or romanticized, as well)
the beginnings of the blog seem rocky,
my synopsis: the writing was casual, not-so-rythmic, with a splash of a big word here and there.
but the first day did leave me dry, uninspired indeed. I stopped reading after a month, the first time she discussed the recipe itself.
which held my attention better than the less wordy blurbs of how easy the dishes were to make.
that part I did enjoy, she spoke of the changes in the fundamentals of her cooking theory.
that was interesting.
I don't know much about writing, journalism, reporting, poetry, or even learning disabilites.
I'm convinced that my short attention span,
and the resulting inability to read more than 3 pages of Anything before I fall asleep,
are actually a learning disability.
and no, I'm not trying to compete with any of the "asperger crowd",
I just wish I could be a better reader.
and I have terets syndrome, where I have verbal spasms, but
only when thoughts of regret and unlivable past mistakes cross my mind. (daily)
I'm sick as hell

12-6-2010 7:14pm
watching julie and julia
and saw billy elliot yesterday.
I don't feel so good.
RIP Leslie Neilsen

12-2-2010 2:12am
I'm even scared to donate to wikileaks.
I wonder how this will play out
some argue that the leaks just reinforce our foriegn policy
but politicians and diplomats can't have that type of transparency
heaven forbid.
we'll see (or maybe we won't)

11-21-2010 8:52pm
ok, it's almost bedtime

11-10-2010 7:22pm
hi, I just ate a 1.4lb steak
celebration, I guess after receiving my first paycheck.
I'm good with this new job.
moving art all day
I saw a picture of Kate Moss I've never seen before today
it was in black and white, she was naked, hugging her knee, looking over her shoulder
no idea who took the picture and I didn't really get a chance to see it very well
but it gave me a chuckle, knowing it probably wasn't a print
and probably will never become one.
and probably not affordable for me.
as a longtime fan
I must say,
it wasn't that nice, she looked too vunerable,
but as I said, I didn't really get a chance to look at it all that well
working at this job is somewhat inspiring
I guess...
peace and deja vu (I'm watching "terminator: salvation").

10/31/2010, 11:03pm
hi, happy halloween.
do it up, all of you.
today your public loves you for it.

10/13/2010, 12:41am
well, it's been a while, once again
I'm applying for jobs like crazy
I can't imagine where I'll find myself.
the census has been over for about 3 weeks now,
and I haven't been out surfing in about 2 weeks
I have a full suit I'm planning on trying out tomorrow.
if it's not freezing cold when I wake up.
I actually did roll a "smokey treat" for tomorrow
I've always hated that term,
but it just came to mind
and so now it's forever invested in the archival amber of my online journal
maybe someday I'll extract the DNA of where I heard it first
(I can't remember that girl's name at all right now)
and use it to clone forgettable people to surround me with a new life experience.
this is another fine example why we (I in particular)
should not mess with introducing genetically unfit entities (be them memories or fish)
into our world, I've seen Jurasic Park, I know the deal.
so until next time, please
keep it real, keep it unmodified.

8/22/2010, 12:19am
yesterday, the 21st, was a pretty eventful day
it started with some eggs over easy over rice, which I enjoyed,
next I saw a body in the street, she was alive, thank god, but hit by a car while jogging, which was scary
then a shark swimming with me in the water, which was even more scary
then a flat tire, and thankfully a tire shop 3 blocks away (who offered me a $35 tire and sold me a tire for $25)
watched some NASCAR at the Bristol Motor Speedway and took a nap, which was nice
then I heard some black sabbath, 2 newcastles from a tap, 4 baby back ribs, and saw andrea(missy)
and finally bought $3 worth of scratch and win lottery tickets
from which I won $4.
so today (or technically yesterday)
I remain,
unbitten and holding a winning scratch and win ticket.

8-4-2010
hello, I'm finally editing my website
it's a long process
and I'm finding plenty of jpegs
that are entirely useless
wish me luck
oh and my rib isn't broken, but it's still sore
got about a week of rest off of it, that's all
but it's really back to the grind
we'll see how it goes.
yeah, I start a new job
on monday, surfing and lots of things are keeping my mind off it

7-13-2010
hi everybody, it finally rained today
I think the first time in 2 weeks
so I hurt my ribs yesterday
now I can't pick anything up or barely move without
pain
hope it isn't fractured or something crazy like that
we'll see tomorrow.
see you then!

6-28-2010
yesterday I got a surfboard
it's a used al merrick it's beautiful and I wish I knew how to use it.
it will come with time,
and a black superhero outfit
my arms are sore
and I still feel the waves pushing me up and down

5-18-2010
day of the pig?
maybe it was today maybe it was yesterday
can't say much about a gutted pig
but I was thinking about it a bit
after seeing "brother's keeper" about the Ward brothers,
in upstate new york
now I'm watching "delirous"
a Steve Buscemi movie
and I'm wondering
'think big to get big'
ya ya ya ya ya
maybe I'll write @ this tomorrow
maybe not

5-3-2010(2:01am)
well it was an interesting day
yesterday moreso
yestereday I did a demo at urban
(and in preparation managed to change into
over-confident-think-you're-funnier-than-you-are-entertainer-but-a-bit-obnoxious mode),
then proceeded to make a pitiful bottle.
(the setup was wrong, I let it get too long before I tried to pull the neck,
rushed, perhaps after sticking 7" pieces cane on both sides of the bubble.)
so after that, my previous attempts at entertainment were terribly taken wrong,
in my mind, anyhow -I'd much rather my fucking around
be a somewhat distanced from the seriousness of the production of my work,
at least in it's essence
and I believe that has to come with time,
I'm much better now, than I was, I know for sure...
but still not quite 'there', yet.
ok, anyways, I went to my other job after that, feeling some kind of incompetent
and had to learn a new function in the database.
that being said, i probably fucked that up, too.
(trying to avoid it by checking the work twice, slowing me down while doing nothing positive for my confidence)
it was somewhat of a crazy day that I tried to make up for when I went home and
turned off my phone, to guarantee an entire night's sleep uninterrupted until it's due end.
(that must have been yesterday)
so, today I rolled out of bed, practiced my hairstyling skills,
went to work for the census -which went fine, by the with very few f'ups
then went to shoot some pool with some co-workers
I felt fine about work, and hanging out with co-workers
(both of whom don't, or didn't, make as much as me
but did hold supervisor positions in the office
-just thougth i'd throw that in there as it occured to me)
but it seemed I wanted to prove myself on the pool table
so I kind of slipped into entertainer mode
but careful not to offend and just really trying to have fun
I may have come off as desperate, but whatever.
then I get home and my horoscope reads:
"You've got what it takes to regain control of your vehicle
and get back onto the right track. The work may be arduous,
but all you need to do is believe in yourself to get where you're going.
All the time and effort will not go to waste -- a big payoff is in store, and soon!"
which is accurate, yes
(-after playing pool today I actually did fill the tires on my bike and finally rode it after 2 years of it's storage in pieces)
but typically I would sit and wait for this 'payoff'
should I stay 'true to the course' right now,
or should I really work on what I've been telling myself I want?
the reality is I'll see how I feel tomorrow, and maybe I'll let you in on it then
or maybe I won't
either way you'll find out when my path reveals my decision
thanks for listening,
and Please have an afternoon beer for me.

4-30-2010(5pm)
since this is an official blog now
I'm updating this live from McCarren park
in greenpoint/williamsburg
I feel cool, but my butt is wet from sitting in the grass
anyways I'm waiting to get a new water pump into my car
half way home on the G and switching to the M
I get the call that my car will be ready at 5 pm>
I'm psyched, I thought I wouldn't have a car until tomorrow
heaven forbid.

4-29-2010(12:29am)
back again from work.
so right now I'm upgrading to Windows 2000
from Windows 97...
I in fact don't know if that's such a great idea
Windows 97 was a program which did just fine,
minimal integration into my system,
minimal disk space.
my first lesson was as Windows 97 allows you to save and open files
with the character "-" in the file name.
Windows 2000 does not...
(this may have actually interfered with some resume submissions - as
I assume the following iterations of Windows probably didn't revert back to
Windows 97 protocols...)
hmm...
and of course I'm not editing this in my new upgraded program,
I'm still using Notepad.
well I just found it on ebay someone is trying to sell the 4 disk version I have for $114
and another person has it bid up to $12.51 with 2 days left
I'm probably going to sell it. no use in me keeping this around
I could get a new DS game for that price, so we'll see.
ok, tonight in my sleep, I'll be transformed
from a Census Worker to a Studio Technician
and I probably won't even know the when it happens.
I should go shopping.
ha ha ha on you,Gordon Brown, silly brit.
bad politician, watch your tongue!

4-27-2k10(12:01am)
of course, back again with from my census job
getting paid this much an hour I can NOT complain
at this point, I guess I can't complain about anything
definitely not complain about work.
I have to work at 8am tomorrow.
this cannot be an emotionally charged entry
not tonight, I'm too tired for that
remaining detached would just be best
for everyone especially for this job.
I realize again about teaching, or crew-leading
that uncertainty is a weakness that shouldn't be shown.
you aren't doing them a favor by allowing them to question your
authority or expertise.
it's not about encouraging them to think for themselves
that comes later, only after training in basics and essentials
is complete.
I find life is so much easier from the peanut gallery
and I Must stop being so comfortable there

4-26-2010(12;38am)
eh, whatever
I did do what I could do at the census
it's really a shame
now I'm thinking what's wrong with me
and what did I do to fuck up tonight?
I didn't really do anything questionable
really.
nothing
but it's true
if your subordinates become insubordinate
it's much harder to get anything done.
ya ya ya - ya ya
it is what it is, I'll help count people
pay me, and I'll help count people
and I will try to do it well...
that's all
fuck the good fight, just gimme money!

4-25-2010 (12:12am)
hi, just got home from my census job.
I guess the shit will hit the fan on monday when we train some 2,500 people to become enumerators.
I'm detached because I know that though it will be hard work,
I'm not in charge.
and the only reason this census thing can work at all is because there are plenty of people
working at it.
not much really going on in my brain,
except for when there was a girl in the office
expaining how her post surgery painkillers were a derivative of heroin,
I knew what she meant.
and I'm actually really lucky I didn't pursue
such a pastime in my life.
so yes,
please keep fighting the good fight,
even if it means you aren't in constant ecstacy
for every moment along the way.

4-21-2010
it's getting late
even though I was thinking of what to write
today in this blog, and I've ultimately come up with nothing.
I had thoughts of being in positions of authority as an acting census job test administrator.
one strange thing: this morning when I was listening to pandora
I tried to recall the name of the band "The Strokes"
and I couldn't until I was finally out the door.
I left chanting to myself "remember the strokes, and add it to pandora"
then later today I found out that one of my co-worker friends
actually had a stroke and was in the hospital.
and that's how I ended my day,
visiting Chris in the hospital until they kicked pam and I out
well no, this is how I ended my day
exactly like this.

. 4:20.2:36
I will not stay up 2 hours to celebrate 4:20
not tonight, celebrated my first online 4:20
in the age being anyonymous online anymore is strange when you can put a name to a face and everything. that's wierd
I still didn't ask what type of people girls talk to. so so random.
wierd shit does happen on the chatroulette thing.
huh I feel like I'm typing onto an old typewriter, no spell checker.
no automatic indentations. no frills, I do have links, and perhaps images.
so easy to get distracted sometimes.

monday 4-19-2010(11:44pm) ridgewood
I'm lucky to be here,
and so are you!
please don't forget...

4-14-2010(10:15pm)
hey, once again I'm self-loathing.
asking myself questions like:
have I actually accomplished anything at all?
have I worked hard toward anything at all?
I wonder if these thoughts are worth logging in this journal
if reading this later will inspire me to do anything besides fall further
I recently heard someone say "Talk is cheap."
it's the cheapest, and I love it for that.
for more reasons than the obvious carefree annotation of my life's failure.
I enjoy writing, almost as much as cooking.
cooking seems more primal.
I know that if I don't cook something,
I'll continue to suffer in hunger,
and if I'm not successful,
I'll have no choice but to eat whatever I've made for at least the next 2 days.
in the novel that is my life,
will I be a character deserved to continue?
or would I rather end up in several publisher's trashcans?
my hope and kindness is becoming ridiculous, or is it?
I still believe,
so for what it's worth,
may your days be filled with awareness,
and may you never let reality change your mind.

2-19-2010(8:05am)
hi, so the other day I started a job with the 2010 census
I'm kind of having a dilemma about working a job that
has nothing to do with what I'd like to be doing
butd, in reality I finally got what I wanted
a job that pays and is flexible.
I should comment on past census workers I met,
people who took the test, and felons
but I can't right now,
I have to go and teach glassblowing to some nyu students
(thank god for that)

1-28-2010(11:48am)back in the QNS
hi, well looks like I left 2009 on a crappy note for you
sorry 'bout that
happy new year, anyways
just feeling pressure to get off my ass and do stuff
so thank god that now I'm busier than ever.
trying to make ends meet, taking all sorts of jobby jobs
finishing all sorts of jobby jobs
you know, the works.
so last night I spent 2 hours watching "Will it Blend"
a youtube series of some guy putting things into his contractor grade blender
my favorites were the glow sticks, the Digital SLR, and the bic lighters.
2 hours of my life I'll never get back.
never realized I was so into blending stuff.
it's all connected, man

12-26-2009(3:18am)john elwood drive
maybe I am a b*ckstabbing,
unambitious, lazy, know-it-all
short tempered loser.
I can speak more honestly than you,
and I'm not sure if I trust you.
do I really have to edit this journal
so all these adjectives don't seem so apparent?
I don't trust anyone, never did
if this is an entry of flaws I should mention that,
and the fact that I only hold one degree and I don't
travel across the globe like all the other people in the family
I'm compared to.
excuse me for being so.
whatever

12-22-2009(5:43pm) ridgewood, queens
this is it, today is the last day of me being 32.
another year has gone by,
with, what I fear to be very little to show for it
maybe I should chronicle my days on my body in tattoos.
(it's been at least 2 years since I've gotten a new tattoo, I'm probably due)
but again what does that lead to?
for instance I'm trying to write something now that will remind me
of how I'm doing today.
I got a kick ass new bag but in black.
ok, now I'm kinda irked by a phone call I got
the new(er) receptionist, kinda a scary girl
ok, nevermind.

12-20-2009(12:59pm)
hello, last night we got about 6 inches of snow
enough to linger until my birthday and maybe christmas
and the sun was out this morning.
it's still white
but in a few hours it will turn grey, then black
so we're still in the final precious few hours
of the snow's pleasant "sweet spot"
before the city claims it as it's own nasty frozen sludge
two days ago Thaddeus and I spent the day
at the corner of Green and Prince streets, in soho
trying to sell glass
in 11 hours on the coldest day of the year I sold 2 christmas ornaments and made $40
not worth it
oh well those ornaments weren't meant to be sold,
not that day at least
Thaddeus sold a piece and made $100
ok, that's all, stay warm, dry, and sunny

12-14-2009(11:56pm)
ok, here it is
this is what I'm thinking

"us and them"

11-1-2009(11:50)
hi, today is the day after halloween
we didn't go out last night,
we actually spent the night with Rafal and Agnieska
complaining about the film crew that was using our home
until 8 o'clock.
this was the same crew who had thought it was a good idea
to set our fridge to the "off" setting
as to not blow any fuses in our apartment.
this same genius was aparently too busy being so damn clever
that he forgot to turn the stupid machine on before he left.
mind you we only lost 2 cups of yogurt,
3 or 4 pieces of chicken,
half a gallon of milk, and some leftovers
BUT I insist it's still Bull Shit.
so at 9 they were finally gone,
and the house was trashed.
this was not a professional crew,
but a crew of students, filming a student film
at one time, the creator of this film was a 'friend' of Aneta's.
This is exactly how bridges get burnt.
so the moral of the story is:
-don't let anyone film in your house unless you are getting paid BIGTIME
-sign a contract saying that "the crew won't fuck up my house and leave it trashed, and the crew will film from this time to this time and there are no exceptions"
verbal agreements and approximations will not do, get it in writing
I'm still not so happy about it.
ok happy belated halloween
boo

10-27-2009(9:10am)
hello, good morning
I'm not so thrilled about the rain today
it seems when there's nothing to worry about,
besides feeling blah, I welcome the rain.
but today, I've got worries
and I don't need this rain.
but the forcast says it'll be here today and tomorrow.
perhaps that's God telling
look, the weather is crapy enough
so stop worrying, it's not worth it.
till next time, hope it's sunny where you are.

10-24-2009(9:36am)
good morning,
after driving 12 hours
(from ridgewood to long island city to greenpoint to philadelphia to the philadelphia airport to centerville, ohio)
with the promise of filling the rental car with goods from
every possible thrift store within an hour's drive,
my co-conspirator/thrifing entheusiast cousin has fallen ill. : (
apparently vomiting and fever are 2 things that can keep us away from the post 12 hour drive thrifing fiasco
I'm going to call and ask permission to go by my self,
but acting, of course in her name, and representing both of us
in our used-to-overpaying-for-thrifted-junk ways
we'll see how it goes.

10-19-2009(6:05pm)
hello,
a minute ago while I was cleaning up after preparing some stuffed peppers
(ground beef, uncased hot italian sausage, green onion, fresh curly parsley, garlic, salt, pepper, a little hot sauce and some of sierra nevada's 'anniversary ale' a hoppy brown ale, then covered with stewed tomoatoes, stuffed into a green pepper and a long red sweet pepper)
I was thinking of how I could really use a cigarette.
but since Aneta has been fighting an infection and hasn't smoked in 6 days,
now, I realized, may be a good time to quit.
these were actually my thoughts, as I was hurried along in my cleaning
by knowing the sooner I get finished, the sooner I can have that smoke.
then I said "maybe I can blog about this"
so here I am (without a cigarette)
I'm blogging about making a decision to try to quit smoking
by diverting the urge to smoke by doing something else
(I may even run out of things to do)
so instead of smoking after this blog
I'm going to check my village on travian.com
but that's something I can do with a cigarette in hand...
we will see how well it works...
ok, until next time,
fight the cancer until you can't anymore!

10-17-2009 (3:55pm) ridgewood, ny
ok hi, so here it is
the new and improved journal
borne in secrecy, although the clues to it's whereabouts still remain
I don't think anyone is reading...
I'll link to it eventually,
in some, perhaps not so clever way
I must spend time on it, I know.
so Aneta had a root canal, 4 of them on one tooth
two days ago, then again yesterday...
I'm playing male nurse all day today,
and I actually enjoy it.
my client emailed me and I have to put the project on hold until next week
I can probably guess he'll take my samples,
which I made for a loss
(no, not even free... $300 -200 for the studio rental, -80 for the help, and 29 for the color)
so yes, this is a life/business lesson in how not to do it.
so now I wait, Monday is the day that I'm supposed to find out one way or another,
but I've decided it has to be on my terms,
I cannot suspend my other sources of income for this guy, who I've never actually met
who sent me $300 for samples that cost me $310,
who refuses to open a dialogue with me about what's really on his mind
it's frustrating, and there is still an opportunity for him to make good.
and if that's the case, then this is all on the hush hush.
but anyway. that's what's on my mind.
and I don't think I can be at fault for that
so, essentially I must say
don't start plans, reservations, or materials until you have money in your pocket
and that's that.

10-14-2009 (11:08am)
well, geocities is closing,
which may be good for me.
perhaps, I can enjoy the uncensored anonymity that I knew before.
before my mother quoted one of my more vulgar entries.
Goodbye geocities hello freedom,
my next entry will be at alexisdeleon.com/past.html
So upon it's long awaited return,
we'll mark today as the day we've entered into a new era of ethereal and unbridled commentary...
welcome
---
there are several things on my mind.
right now it's the project that I'm "working" on right now.
so to make it happen I had to clear out my schedule
which means no other work, besides this project.
maybe I'm naive in trusting this client.
is this another hard learned life lesson in the making?
I really hope it goes as planned eh, well I hope it happens at all.
-
I've also been contemplating the shepherd's pie.
looking at recipies, I find the basic ingredients like
beef, lamb, potatoes, onions, carrots, garlic, cheese, Worcestershire sauce...
but reading further I find things like balsamic vinegar, tomatoes, spaghetti noodles, sour cream.
it all sounds delicious.
mine today will be with some bell pepper, some of Blair's hot sauce, string beans, garlic, an onion, peas, carrots, corn, beef and sausage, cheese, japanese bread crumbs, and one tomoato.
it should be fine. (I'll eat it either way, of course)
-
finally, I was thinking about the phenomenon
of not being able to be left alone in a room with a girl
without us hooking up,
that mild adrenaline rush that, if not controlled,
can fuel a semi-hardon for what feels like hours.
I haven't experienced this in a while,
perhaps 10 years?
maybe because I'm an adult now,
and I'm now above wanting to just fuck a girl like an animal.
Either that or now my face is just too pitted, my eyes too crossed, my hair too coarse, and attitude too broken...
I'll accept the first excuse, I'm no animal, are you one?

8-7-2009(10:41pm) ridgewood, queens
so, I'm certain that I need to find out what it means for me to be an "artist"
and what I'm compelled to make.
I've been neglecting my itch to 'tinker' and make stuff.
I've been slacking so hard.
to rediculous extents.
my job is to make, to explore material and form,
to create.
I want to produce objects or volumes that require no explanation
objects that simply exist in all of thier beauty and ugliness.
must I really have something to say?
must I really have something to say?
I haven't realistically adhered to the timeline, i'm thirty two.
I really should have been annihilating the mediocrity by now.
instead of attending thier events.
instead of being scared to join thier ranks.
I must schedule studio time.
that is a must.
I need to take it up a few notches, making stuff constantly.
playing with all the shit I have as 'materials'
I'm scared of failing
but what does failure mean?
failing to carry on the family name?
failing to provide for myself?
failing to try?
I think that's it...
ok, please read this well, and over and over again.
I hope I'm not done dreaming.

7-3-2009(10:50pm)
well, life goes on
October 26, 2009 is the day it ends
Geocities will be no longer.
(I'm thinking, "should I link to geocities now, just so it can be added to the
collection of bunk links on these pages?")
(thank god for the annotated grateful dead page, and RIP leslie harpold of hoopla.com)
I transferred all my files on this server to my hard drive
and I'm seeing nothing is sacred, especially when you involve time.
websites are only as permanent
as the guy (or girl) slaving over it,
for days, months, or even years.
until, for some reason they are unable to redirect people
to the work that was done.
in doing so, I found an old excluded entry about my ex, Marcy,
just questioning our relationship, and I ultimately was right,
and now not only is it unquestioned, it's gone
I used to censor these, just in case someone would read it
but over the years,
I have seen there are substantially more people not reading this
than there are people reading it (hi mom!).
so it's a disservice to myself to hold back,
or describe a situation by abstractly referring to the mundane,
(thinking I'll know what the hell I'm talking about later)
because I will forget,
and that means no one will remember.
I'm feeling nostalgic, and worthless in the grand scheme of things.
I've always had an appreciation for the past,
the idea of capturing moments that can never happen again
and today I'm realizing that everything comes to a close.
...and, of course, that the only constant is change
not even geocities, the one time mecca of free website hosting is immune.
I remember the 'archived web' project,
where all the old websites would somehow be preserved
that's a good one, I thought. "physically impossible" is the reality.
I knew it was a bust when I heard of it,
but looking through this site, the many variations, and it's links (-and remembering what they were supposed to be),
I wish it could be true
I also know that life goes on (for me much slower these days it seems)
things change, I change, and the past is the past.
it's never lost if you remember it (or record it?)
and it's only forgotten if you let it
so goodnight, and happy 4th of july!

5-22-2009 (10:20am)
I'm in poznan, poland
this place seems a bit more sophisticated
than your average town,
apparently it has 10 universities
which keeps it young, and dignified in potential
I think I'm the only brown person in town,
light brown, included.
it's nice here, a bit humid yesterday when we arrived
and humid in brussels, where my overlay was
the airport there is a mess,
and the security checkers
were assholes for taking my $50 bottle of Glenlivet.
FYI if you are traveling to an EU country
the booze you buy at the duty free
has to be in a 'sealed' bag or
it "may be confiscated by security"
and if it's a $50(usd at the fucking duty free!) bottle of 15 year old whiskey
you can bet your sweet-foreign-ass it will be confiscated
so, that being said
I'm off to see poland,
keep it real and be good, I'll do the same

5-20-2009 (11:06am)
ok, going to poland today.
I actually can't wait to have a 7 hour uninterrupted
Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars playing session
but we'll see, I'll take some pictures, plenty I hope
I got a 4 gig sd card for $19 and figured it was a deal
and I found out geocities is closing...
so by the summer's end I'll move this site, hopefully some will follow...
(speaking of which, I wonder if all my established meta tabs
will transfer?
we'll find out, y'all.
and please look up, I'll be waving down
from across the atlantic
cheers!

5-5-2009(12:27pm)
happy cinco de mayo
well, today I have to figure out why my driver's licence
isn't registering in the computer's systems
yes, and I don't remember writing one of these journal entries
with a cigarette, today I had one.
little things, and 2 cabinets to pick up,
today... will it happen,
probably not.(and it didn't)
ok, cheers!

sunday may third two thousand and nine, twelve fifty five pm.
hi I'm at urban glass again,
working, rather refining my janitorial skills
bringing mopping to a science
and elevating sweeping to a religion
that isn't entirely true,
I've been putting off getting to the inevitable duty
of sweeping behind and underneath the ovens,
which managed to reach the list of things for me to do.
along with reloading a grease gun,
neither of which I'm excited about.
I wrote my friend Rachel yesterday
real mail, of course.
I was talking about our guinea pig, Morgan.
how I'm trying to keep life exciting for her by
introducing new types of lettuce every few weeks
we have a italian fruit stand which should keep her
interested for a while,
but I mentioned that I may soon have to travel to chinatown,
just to find the most exotic greens I can
to keep my GP Morgan from dispairing over a caged life
we'll see,
so until next time,
keep your cages clean and open!

sat, april 25, 2009
ridgewood, queens
so I'm going to try to make art again
"art"
vessels, incorporating the random
unconventional, naturally beautiful, and unpredictable
nature of glass
I believe bringing projects to completion
is about confidence in the idea
it's the only thing that has driven me to actually
start this project
I really think this will turn out to be a nice puece
if it works, that is
wish me luck, I'll need it
spring is finally here, it was in the high 70's today
what did we do to deserve this?
cheers!
keep the faith, y'all

saturday april 18, 2k9 11:13am
LFUG again,
2009 has been crazy so far
alot of new projects,
some are stuff I've done before, like glass gallery work
some are totally random new stuff, like moving a kiln
refinishing furniture?!
filipino glass?
gradschool, shiat biach

Friday, April 17, 2009(6:39pm)
Live From Urban Glass(LFUG)
hello, while there is neither an unlimited
supply of alchohol
nor endless bandwidth here
I have arranged (through 43 things)
the ability to journal my shit
from anywhere I can get email.
initially that was the idea.
find the web, click, click, click
and instant real-time journalling.
but since geocites has become seemingly
more and more complicated for me to use
(probably beacuse all of my interfaces with
technology these days are extremely user friendly
-that is except here at urban of course,
where most of the computer controllers
have a 16 button keypad and malfunction
when plugged into a pc -ahem GB5)
but really, I can't wait until I can do this from my cellphone
touching the screen with ease,
with only me, as the end user, in mind.
bring it on, iphone we need you now more than ever.

Happy Easter Sunday April 12, 2009 (1:43pm) ridgewood, queens
hi, it's a gorgeous Sunday afternoon,
but I am committed to not leaving the house at all
It seems lots of people are moving into Bushwick,
the neighborhood I just left.
and I'm still accepting the fact
that I shouldn't give so much importance to which neighborhood or borough I live in
it's absolutely flakey
but what am I, but an overgrown flake?
and just because it commands importance to other people
doesn't mean it has to mean that much to me.
(and again saying it and believing it are 2 different things)
enjoy the spring!

tuesday 4-7-09(1210am)
woah, I'm tired
some days I feel really stupid,
I think I need to take things slower
once I have my mind set on something
I find it hard to think clearly about other things
(what?)
I should slow down.
really, be more deliberate,
and Careful
that's the word,
being careful isn't slower, it's better.

Saturday, april 4, 2009(11:04am)
hi, yesterday was the glassblower's ball
and a 'vintage' chihuly piece from 1979
failed to sell at auction starting at $14,000
(the appraised price was $28k)
I heard the news while we were packing
and announced it to the ug crew
and everyone was gave me a look of suprise
and disappointment
like chihuly is our poisonous gas monitoring caged bird,
if chihuly doesn't sell, what will?
but I believe there will always be a niche for
vessels, art, and lighting
and there will always be a glassblower to make them
maybe it's me, maybe it isn't.
(I'm wrestling with the idea of upgrading to the new DSi
we'll find out what I choose to do)
ok, until next time,
please, be kind.

11:04am 3-30-2009
(happy new year!) wow, whatever audience I may have had, I must have lost by now,
I shouldn't flatter myself like that
my daily blog entry, (now sent to my email!)
I wonder if this will catch on...
we'll see
blabber blabber blabber that's what my site has been.
is this supposed to be a website?, a journal?, what is it?
how personal should this get?
it was once talk radio sent into the airwaves to nobody
but now what is it?
the web is a good tool for social networking
but the idea of this actually being read by anyone scares me
that's why it's neglected.
so today it's sunny and a little chilly
I'll try to reformat this into a 'blog'
so today's subject is religion
yup.
ok, see you next time!
thanks for tuning in.

12-23-2008(11:33pm)
ok, my birthday
so I've decided to do a food log,
when I have nothing to say
I could call it my foo-blog
I'll talk about the meals I ate that day
should I write in rhyme?
or will I have to time
to post pics of my curds and whey!
this morning:scrambled eggs, sausage, oj, tomatoes, bread, and cheese,
lunch was a gyro with everything but pickles and beets
dinner was general tso's chicken the combo with a couple of beers and weed.

11-21-2008(5:01am)
walking home the almost quarter-almost crescent moon
hung at half past seven o'clock
and I realized what an amazing world I've been too busy to see
...and a fun time at the bar had by all
completely new friends
I think I got applause at the end of the night... unreal
what is that?
at any rate I don't have to wake up until 2 tomorrow
so judge me, then piss off
you don't know me

11-13-2008(6:16pm)
hi, I just talked to Aneta on the phone
and she will talk to me in a week,
or maybe she won't.
she's strong,
and she's not waiting for me
I'm relieved she will still talk to me
I was worried she'd never contact me again.

11-12-2008 (10:58pm)
ok, hello
friday I decided to break up with Aneta
after 10 months of having her with me, now there is nothing,
I know it hurts
she told me only to contact her if I want to make it work
but what does that mean?
does that mean that only contact her if I believe she is the one?
the one woman I will spend the rest of my life with?
I'm not ready for that
I was also told to be honest and tell her immediately if I had doubts, and not to waste her time.
so that's what I did.
now look where I'm at.
this afternoon I was confident in my decision to break it off.
and to call her in a few months,
but I know she's hurt, and it hurts me.
I care about her, why am I doing this to her?
am I trying to tell her that even if it's not going to last forever,
we can still enjoy eachother right now?
or am I trying to tell her that.
I'm afraid I'll never talk to her again, and not because I won't try
but, because she wouldn't want it.
this may be the last entry in 2008 hopefully not. cheers, folks
and remember
everything happens for a reason, even if the reason is that I'm a big loser,
and don't have my life together...

7-28-2008(1:15pm)
good afternoon
I've been away,
I'm updating my website today
things are never normal,
my decisions are never formal
am I one
or are we two?
go ask her,
she'll tell you what to do.

for all you non-limerickers out there not staying current,
I've been seeing Aneta since about 12-31-2007
what can I tell you?
I was told I need to formulate my own opinions yesterday,
but I don't believe her.
we'll see!

12-31-2007(4:46am)
ok, good morning
yesterday I rode in my first bike race
called the Alley Kitten III
it was awesome, I came in closer to last than first
but it was great
I'll recall the manifest before I forget
(that link has the locations but not the route I took)
we started at broome and christie,
my first checkpoint at Christopher and the West Side Highway (where we had to run a lap around the circle)
then to 54th and the West Side Highway (where we had to write our new years resolutions)
then crosstown to 56th and York (where we had to drink some Jim Beam)
then to 26th and 5th Avenue
and then to 9th and Avenue A(where we had to strike a pose)
the finish line was at Continuum bike shop betwween 12th and 13th on Ave B
it was pretty amazing,
a damn good excuse to strap on my helmet,
and go as fast as I can through the city
on my POS bike, which weighed a TON!
I'm thinking of upgrading for the next one,
oh yes, there will be a next one. cheers!

12-23-2007(12:50am)
ok, so it's been requested of me
to save the cheerleading and inspirational "propaganda"
for my own head or my paper journal
and to put an honest record of my life on this page
and so what's new since June?
I've quit a day job, started 2 night jobs, avoided a christmas job, had 3 new ohioans move into my neighborhood, I've taken better care of my truck (but still haven't named her), I've been put into jail (for 41 hours waiting for a judge to look at my case and send me home without paying anything), I've decided what my next tattoo is going to be, I've won a gameboy ds (but haven't gotten it yet), I've gotten a new pair of blue adidas slippers (that should last at least a couple of years), I've cleansed, dieted, and binged, I've been sprayed for bedbugs, I've washed my comforter, I've lost touch with some people, and made new friends, I've started making glass again, and that's all.
see that's why I don't write about real life,
it's BO-RING
wouldn't you rather hear, something like
"hey bud, don't give up -the sun'll come up tomorrow, 'betcha bottom dollar"
oh, and in about 4 hours I'll have lived 31 years...
with nothing really to show for it...
boring, pathetic, and sad.

6-28-2007(1:47am)
ok,
selfish masturbator
narcissistic sonofabitch
self wallowing idiot
it's so about 'me'
now is the time to get taken advantage of
should I make list?
eh, whatever
I'm feeling desperate because of money
but I'm worrying, not in actual trouble yet
which is unsettling
more than I like
I'm also realizing that I used to live like this all the time
relying on a paycheck to come in on it's scheduled date
and it's fucked
especially now, especially with my spending habits
eh
we'll see
ok.
peace, and everything good under the sun.

6-10-2007(5:43am)
hello,
once again I've successfully managed to "not get laid"
hanging out with pretty fucking cool people
there were plenty of girls,
nice ones like -----, ----, ---- , and ------
what a loser, to even write thier names.
I also found out that Mike from R&D tattooing
is dead, the guy who's art I see every day on my arm
is dead.
rest in peace, the world isn't nice to kind people.
anyways,
I'm also recording this
(my keyboard action at least...)
maybe I'll post it with a link...
maybe not.
peace!

5-5-2007(3:58am)
a million and a half things going on in my head
1. Happy Cinco de
2. My "dream" job
3. The role I play in my friendships
forgettaboutit

4-10-2007(1:28am)
my parents,
my friends,
my personality,
my looks,
my physique,
my clothes,
my attitude,
my posture,
my hair,
my skin,
my shoes,
my car,
my past,
my living situation,
my snobbery,
my pickyness,
my nose,
my karma,
my destiny,
my self-consciousness,
my future,
my aspirations,
my laziness,
my fears,
my desperation?
is that what's wrong with me?
or what I blame?
or are they the reasons?
or are they excuses for my condition?
worthless peace out.

4-4-2007 (12:17am)

Leslie was a phenomenal web designer from michigan
who moved to san francisco and started alot of hoopla
I never met her in person, but we exchanged emails early when I was first starting my website
her personal site was Hoopla.com, which became Harpold.com
she was inspirational, encouraging, eloquent, and of the stylistically elite
I am honored to know that she has actually read this blog in it's beginnings
rest in peace, leslie
thank you
you are missed.

4-3-2007
wow, I didn't realize I've put in an entry in 2007
and a sad one at that.
who knows anything anymore.
I think I'm just worried that
I'm destined to make the same mistakes I've made in the past
and be the same idiot I was in the past.
and my schedule and lifestyle doesn't allow me to have
the luxury of sanctuary in a private life.
but if you ask me, I'm full of excuses.

1-4-2007
happy new year
today this is what I'm thinking
thinking of not trusting people
thinking of people I do trust
thinking of people thinking I'm worthless
thinking of my ability
thinking of my fucking court date
thinking of flossing my teeth
thinking of shit, man...
shit
oh, and I'm f$%&ing 30 now.

12-21-2006(7:14pm)east williamsburg, soon to be ohio
ok, well this was what I was thinking a couple of days ago
we should have hooked up
because it will never be like that again
I felt it, too
but it didn't last
seeing her boyfriend, of course, set her straight
she's not married,
what was phenomenal was her encouraging me to feel something
am I that sad,
am I that numb to affection
I wonder how long I've been like this?
this whole experience
fuck it, it takes too much of my life away from me
I just need to find a real job, that's what I should be worried about
ok, peace

November 1, 2006(9:58pm)
I think my camera caught an apparition(sp?)
audio and a pic
I'll do anything to spook myself, geez
here's what I submitted to ghostvillage.com
(look at the pic and hear the audio, kinda freaks me out)

October 30, 2006
A day before Halloween we (5 humans and a dog, Novia) were on the rooftop of my building here in Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY everything was normal enough, there were no interruptions in our night.
About midway into our stay on the roof, Novia the dog, started running back and forth on the rooftop, and we managed to snap a picture of her. Coincidentally enough the camera was set to record an accompaning sound byte. The image and the audio were very interesting.
In the picture there is an 'orb' that it seems Novia is chasing around. We also noticed that some of the pictures of the dog after this showed Novia's eyes burning with a bright golden light, while others, taken at a closer distance, did not.
The audio file was strange because it has much more noise than the other audio we recorded that night and almost a garbled voice comes through. It's quite interesting, especially the sound byte, I hear different things every time I listen to it, so please decide for yourself.
I looked back in my files of some of the other pictures I took and found another one, on the same rooftop of a glowing mass about the same color almost 'sitting' in one of the chairs up there.
I always try to be very respectful of the rooftop area there and I hope I wasn't disturbing this thing. I don't even know anything about this, but I hope you post my pictures and audio.

and actually the pics are on the web at:
alexisdeleon.com/apparitions
but besides that, all's well
I start at american christmas tomorrow
I think I can survive, but I may just have to
keep telling myself, with every day that goes by
that it's just
"one more cold beer, another paid parking ticket, another..."

monday, september 25th, 2006(1:07am)
well, what now?
do I feel accomplished?
am I waiting for some closure?
no, it's a done deal for now,
my closure will come when I finally say
"how are you?"
just as we planned.
you know it's for the best
there was nothing good,
besides the feeling of accomplishment
and the trophy of being blessed into the normal world.
not a bad weekend,
eventful at the very least.
mental note:
whenever it's a bad thing the complications always
steal whatever immediate redemption (you think?) that's attached
(I have no idea what I'm talking about)
and hey, I'm starting to feel o.k.

saturday september 16, 2006(12:02am)
blogs, fucking trips of course he's dead. stupid stupid who. oh well fucking shit. talented of course come on. so smart so fucking smart click for the blogging fucking rage steaming from my ears, holy shit, hold it forget about it. you tell em ass, of course you are. there are things inbetween yous... me. rememeber? just like before!
really.

8-27-06 (7:52pm)
I'm sick.
This weekend I spent in my bed sleeping, sweating, and blowing my nose.
I'm feeling some urgency
as the number of weekends I have left in my twenties grows smaller.
I know for some that number 30 just passes,
like a "tuesday" or a "june"
So who am I to fight it?
29 will pass, without much resistance,
just as the past 10 years did.
(kicking and screaming, and not if I can help it, and no fucking way!)

8-2-06(2.48am)
the all-time loser in me has prevailed
just as I thought everything was going to be just right
I pulled behind the pulled over car, instead of in front of
and I tried to shut my glove box
now, I'm deep trouble
so much to do,(but first let's update the blog)
Janice, jesus what a...
I wasn't getting paid enough, first of all
now her chaos is spilling into my life
now, her chaos is overtaking my life
I guess it's back to making ends meet,
and not going to jail.
and becoming extremely wealthy.
see ya.

6/28/06(11:36pm)
well, ny what the fuck is up?
I'm exhausted
and I haven't even gotten my feet wet,
yet.
peace,
and please, chill out on shit a little bit,
you aren't on fire.

4/30/2006(12:49am)
hi
welcome
things came to mind tonight
I miss what I had, in columbus
(I was throwing-not shooting, or pitching... throwing or tossing darts)
and I thought to myself,
every lesson in (this?) life I've learned
tells me
that the conjugation of the word have
into the past tense
indicates just that
these are things that I do not have
these are things I had
and the past is the past
my pride does keep me from showing my face
I should be making millionS by now.
but, I'm not
am I just here to get away?
am I totally stagnant here, in hiding?
peace you sad, sad pieces of shit.
-listen to keith and the girl
alexis

4-5-06(1231am)
ok I was listening to a weezer song angel pumping gas...
and it makes me kick myself for all the things I knew I should do
but don't for some reason or another
kid's stuff, really!
really
just crap I'm thinking lateley
cowardice and bashfulness
how lame is that?

3-31-06(7:18pm)
ok, life is doing it again
beating me down, to a pulp in fact
I feel like shit, I'm broke, tired, and miserable
I look and feel like crap
eh, I need to sleep

3-8-2006(6:39am)
hi, good morning,
I've never been this broke before in my life,
we will definitely have to see if my next paycheck,
my first full one(which is minus a few minutes for being late, even
is going to pay my bills, if not I'll continue to be apologetic and
lame.
but it's true, having NO money sucks.
bills, tolls, gas, and food.
I'm not allowed to make any mistakes that cost money...
drywall screws, and a cheap ass drill bit
crap on a stick again,
if it's sunny enjoy it, and if it's raining, I feel ya.
-a

3-5-2006(11:30)
trifecta!, I don't think I've ever, hmm maybe once
but 3's a charm... I'm back in my own head again...
plenty of human contact,
but I'm back into my small life with very few close friends
whom I hardly see.
this is a good time to regroup and re-evaluate... everything.
and what else is new is I have a project,
building my room and studio, I can't wait...
images soon to follow, if I can get my computer going
peacethrees -a

3-5-2006(5:47pm)
ok another journal entry for ya today!
this one is about where I am and what's happenning in my life...
ok I moved to williamburg, in brooklyn,
and I'm starting to think that this could be becoming another
'little too trendy 'little too late area
and I will finally have a workspace to make shit
that's important...
my old boss the gallery owner told me
"if you are an artist, and you don't make work", he said
"we don't like you"
pretty cryptic, huh?
so I must prove my worth
and where else to do it, than
willliamburg,
I raised a wall today and now I'm doing the prep work for
the bed loft which should be done by the end of the week,
then finally, after months and years of putting it off,
I will make something
peace and muenster cheese just a little bit burnt.

3-5-06(213am)
the original idea in this journal entry
was to write like it's the old days
and so just as in the past,
the web browser froze and forced me to shut it down,
thus, true to form, I'm re-writing this(some of it)...
(the idea is that no one is listening...)

things on my mind(which include but are not limited to):

coming to nyc to find myself?
it's a good place to find yourself, or to lose yourself...

things to do- (pay rent, raise that wall, make a toothbrush holder, plan shit,
make shit, send emails, call my discover card, call my mom and tell
her that the 'curse' was probably just a scheme to get me to go back to the
psychic, put up shelves, find a dresser, find a door and hang it,
build the bed loft for my room, do laundry, go to the grocery, and pay rent)

art is the only way to express my witness(can I use that word there?) and rage
and it's always about the struggle
-that's why
(witness and rage, huh...
what have you seen, I've seen a pathetic little dork throwing a hissy fit)
and it's therapy(for about the same price)

I like my job because on any given day there may or may not be someone who knows what the hell is going on there...
and that's cool.

and finally how am I going to take full advantage of my current situation?

thanks for listening

2-27-06(8:18pm)
holy fucking shit
what a...
so I'm moving back to brooklyn
whaddupp?

1-17-2006(1:38pm)
Ok, finally a minute to welcome in the new year...
but first things first:
I like change,
but only if it's in the right direction, that is...
One thing I've noticed these past few years
is the mis-use of the phrase "on line"
I was appalled when today at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles,
(who, throughout time has refused to be outdone,
setting new standards for (and is therefore The Authority on)
waiting patiently for your turn)
...at this government institution of waiting,
I saw a sign requesting the state's dear patrons wait "ON LINE"
until the next teller becomes available.
I refused violently within.
I waited "in line" patiently like I had been taught,
not so many years ago.
Before the internet introduced the phrase "on-line"
people had been waiting in line for years, happily.
My 8th grade English teacher Mrs. Heusmann
(who, by the way, swore I'd be pumping gas at the local Shell station)
would have torn my ear right off.
I could just hear her say,
"You," with her refined, uptight southern draw,
"you don't wait ON LINE... you wait IN LINE!
Your poor immigrant grandmother waits on line,
and you aren't allowed."
Well, Mrs. Heusmann I agree with you on this one,
and I'm glad you said it and not me.
The gap between proper English and new terminology cannot be stretched this far,
it is just wrong.
So I'll continue to wait IN lines,
and ON phone lines,
and ON-line for downloads,
but I refuse to use the same terminology for all three.
make the madness stop.
"Please wait IN LINE for 2006"

12/24/2005(2:09am)
well, yesterday(my 29th birthday) I...
booked a flight to hawaii
got a parking ticket
finally bought a queensized bed to sleep on
(instead of that piece of shit 'matress')
sent out christmas cards
had a delicious omelette
did laundry
cleaned out my truck
finally saw the lame apple store
found sweet fingerpuppets(a turtle, a snail, and a rooster)
and a cool cigarette case(with an american flag for andrzej)
got an awesome hat
ordered the final component to my ipod's proper function
finally saw times square at night(although it looks like it's daytime there)
and went to a broadway show with a beautiful girl

12/13/05(1:47am), ridgewood, queens
yeah
the city's a nice place to dork around all day in
I gotta fill my schedule so I don't forget all the shit I gotta see
all those bridges I've burnt,
or have I?

11-30-05(11:45pm), above rosario's, brooklyn, ny
no time for friends,
dime a dozen, are they?
what's wrong with me...
I have to: be better to my friends,
be better to myself
figure it out
take some time
do what I want to do
have confidence
be good
be bad
love
live
be respectful
be appropriate
not be a perv
be a perv
wake up
move
tie up my loose ends
listen
build it
use it
trust
take
give
play
win
earn it
stop apologizing
do it right
learn
cope
care
sing
fly
sleep
never compromise

11/11/05(1:40am)
lots of things, but first things first:

oct 3, 2005(1:17am)
really, what the hell is it all for?
my career might be in jeopardy because of some dumb asshole
but really this entry is about me leaving everything
this entry is about not keeping everything
this entry is about me being myself and believing in me
and being as true and sincere as I am
this is not about you, and will never be...
what is it? a smile, a good time? a fuck?
sure, it's sad
and I care, and have cared, but now
it's up to me, the city will be good for me
the city will be good for me...
I close my eyes and can't imagine how it will be, living in the city.
no more stupid guilty feelings, no more nothing.
just me,
wish me luck m*therduckers
-note-(4-21-2010) it really sounds like I left running
from things there in Columbus
but it really wasn't like that
I did leave some loose ends untied
but I don't think it's anything I can't fix or necessarily needs fixing

monday september 26, 2005(12:19 am)
ok, well I'm moving out...
from the beloved dlb
(finally?)
it is time to simplify,
will this page be all I have(again)
to keep me sane?
there are things out there...
sam told me today, and I agree
there is a whole world out there
I must make a plan
for tomorrow
(not the next day, just tomorrow)
ok, that's it,
thanks,
yours, alexis

July 26, 2005(3:35am)
today I...
woke up gently
went to the bank to make me current
went to the grocery(ies),
for cold cuts and dinner
ran some errands, and burnt Enon's High Society
cooked a nice pasta dinner
pounded some pbr's
took a nap
did my dishes
found out about dragons and rats
saw something I've never seen anyone do before!
and bought a pack of smokes
it is, of course, all the same day.... one to forget

July 25, 2005(1:42am)
I can hardly take care of myself!
that's what's wrong,
so now I gotta fix it,
I'll need some time,
may I suggest you bail out now while you have fair warning.
geez
that's another thing,
putting myself down...
gotta cut that out
ok, you got it, cheers
0

July 20, 2005 (3:56am)
oh yeah!

june 27, 2005 (8:17am)
ok, my dreams:
a movie with ben stiller,
and the child actress in kill bill vol. 2
on the bus walking past a strange man being held custody,
but he has a knife stuck into my rump
a sash caught in the window, as it turns out... an autopsy,
the flashback, with a shadowy figure approaching,
the father was guilty,
ben stiller was innocent.
then, at a party, it's winding down,
and I end up making out with girl in yellow
and thinking she's taller than me,
back inside I check the sausage and there's only one left,
I find pink inside it,
and put it into the microwave,
careful not to add the silverware,
I place the silverware on a lid or something.
there is a girl there
somehow I meet this girl they call "black"
Ryan is there and so is Adam Boggs
the three are in the bed, not doing anything,
just joking around and playing
looking out the window,
there are nudists all over the yard,
there's a girl with bolognia nipples and saggy tube-boobs
and there's a pregnant looking dude with a penis
and she is touching my back while we look out the window
mixed with the clothed,
laughing and playing
I leave, and try to say goodbye to everyone,
some familiar looking girl on the way out
says "so Alexis....(something)"
as I leave some guy along the wall
says something about not getting or not wanting "help from anyone"
and I say "not from you"
and I'm released into the parkinglot, driveway

june 26, 2005 (12:22am)
whaddup.

june 10, 2005 (2:07am)
this is a bad day!
the thing at wheaton village was reportedly not being given to me,
I'm probably going to get fired(for a broken Fujita)
my place in brooklyn fell through,
I thought I was drugged
don't feel well
maybe I was somewhat prepared,
because all this is stuff I knew,
or at least suspected, may happen
but this is what I've been dreading,
when I should have been preparing for it
at this time tomorrow,
I may be looking for a job
or applying for unemployment
life is a mess
I thought I was going to be saved from all of this,
maybe it's bad karma for being bad
do I have to worry about vandals, or thieves, I'm worried.
ugh...
puke

June 8, 2005(7:50am)
ok, so plenty of things on my mind
like being a sack of crap
who gets lets himself get taken advantage of
who's reality is all a big act
who is never really sincere
who has nothing because he wants it that way
who is really bitter way way way down deep
I'm crushing my head,
who needs this bullshit?

june 7, 2005 (10:31am)
ok,
I'm being pushed pulled and twisted in all sorts of directions,
my house is being disbanded in july(never seemed so strange)
my only reliable job is laying me off in september(unless I leave sooner),
and I'm waiting on Hank from Wheaton, Brian from Urban,
and Dynelle from Williamsburg(not necessarily in that order)
to tell me if I can have a place with them.
helplessly on the bubble,
constantly rethinking and revamping everything planned
is fucked, seems people string me along to annoy me,
that's probably it
give me a 'yes' or a 'no' please
part of me wants to make money, pay off debts,
and work toward stuff I want
what I want is grad school
which means building a resume
and portfolio
I want some other things too...

may 28, 2005(9:13pm)dlb studios
ok, what's on my mind?
I'm thinking goodbyes are good
don't always get them...
plus, I'm liking being in my own little head,
again.
a little more room to breathe,
relax a bit(not too much).
of course, I'm waiting for someone to save me from it,
but waiting, looking, and all that shi... has gotten me this far
...which is absolutely nowhere.
I hope it rains all day tomorrow and I don't see the sun at all
glum,
-alexis

may 11, 2005(8.01pm)
sorry this is so neglected,
this used to be my true 'space',
no one ever read this, or even cared what little bullshit
happenned in my day
drifting out into my own little head
(like anyone reads this now)
so today I paid alot for about 1.6 lbs of steak
and I'm going to eat the hell out of all of it.
yeah, that's all

april 10, 2005(2:37am)
hey man, what's up, lamer?
apologize for the last entry,
that's just weird
anyways, yeah another day,
the weather was gorgeous today!
saw the sunrise today and it was awesome
very peaceful,
ok, enjoy
-alexis

april 6, 2005(2.50am)
life goes on, and I can't stop it...
I got a phonecall from this girl today,
she's beautiful,
anyways since I've known her, for the past, what 6-7 years
I've been just awkward and not so polished whenever I run into her.
she's such a sweetheart, and I'm always put in my place by her beauty.
that's what I do, I sit and watch her in awe, as she's telling me about her life
and what she's done since we last spoke,
I get frozen.
I don't know why I'm such a dork, I know what I am to her, I'm a project in the works.
maybe one of these days I'll get my shit together, and do some good, something
worth showing for.
but yeah, I'll go another 6 months, year, etc. without seeing her...
I hope it's not the same story again...
she's not a part of my life, she's a visitor.
I have lots of visitors in my life...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005
voyeur

(this is from an email I sent)

...I have a wierd thing about the safety and detachment associated with computer interactions with people,

for example, I could watch the security cameras here at work all day...
there's some strange voyeuristic twang to the voice in my head,
always saying stuff like "they know you're watching"
(our cameras work are obviously displayed).

like today I was eating a sandwich watching the security camera tv,
in our tiny closet.
And although I was less than two steps away from actual interaction,
I found myself just observing, developing a strange empathy and "Real World" sense of connection.
I could dissect thier appearance and mannnerisms as I pleased,
and if I wanted to I could pop out of the closet and say hi,
this is an immediate bonus, and I know I shouldn't be a glutton for such a
blessing.

is this normal?
(kinda like the movie "sliver"?... what a shitty movie to compare my life to)

anyways... one phone call, and the safety of all of the keyboards,
computer screens, servers, and miles of inter-connectected data wires inbetween come
crashing down, the text becomes a voice, ...that's profound...

this is true to me though,
something about this qwerty voyeurism,
this electric anonyminity(sp?) that liberates me,
I know it's sad, but it is entertaining, if not fulfilling.

I mean I live where I live, and I ultimately decide how much I invest in hating,
loving, hurting, worrying about, interacting with, and thinking
about or anything with anything.

ok, well I think my revisions have damaged my original note, but if you're
reading this sorry there's not real point, but hey it's late...

goodnight
3:27 AM

2-19-2005(5:11pm)
ok, here it is,
moment of truth, if you will
do i have the balls to do this,
or am i going to get swept away?
let's see how it unfolds...
(if I sit here and do nothing, nothing will happen)

2-18-2005(3:41am)
I've been neglecting this journal,
making us much more intimate
it's because of myspace
the blog thing....
well, what's new
back again from nyc, it's all that
what's real? that's all

1-11-2005(10:01am)
hello, good morning
today it's raining again,
just got an early start
and found the french press coffee maker I wanted
some 12 bucks, not bad
I'll get it later this week
ok, have a great day now.
love, prosperity, and good things...
thanks!

1-6-2005(5.36pm)
well today I woke up sick,
worked outside for longer than I would have liked,
got my truck towed, and
spent the last of my money on unpaid parking tickets.
was I complaining yesterday?
Thankyou god, for slapping me one.

1-5-2005(10:05am)
good morning boys and girls,
yeah life, it sucks
but at least there's alot of stuff to do before it's over
I'm sorta thinking about what I actually 'have'...
somedays, I think all I have is you,
thanks for reading.
...on a lighter note,
I woke up early for some reason today
so I decided to make breakfast,
something easy like fried eggs and rice
so I readied the cooker,
(which included excavating the
previous dish one of my roomates had failed to make edible,
but hadn't yet begun growing spores)
...couldn't find the plug,
finally found it,
plugged it in, swearing all to hell
and started the cooker.
About 10 minutes ago, I checked on it
and found there was no rice in it, just boiling water.
that sucks, huh?
will alexis get his breakfast????
stay tuned...

1-3-2005(11:56 pm)
hi, I spent the entire day being sick
waking up every 10 minutes covered in sweat
couldn't leave the house
I shouldn't worry about being short,
me, dudley moore, tom cruise, and michael j. fox
and that's supposed to cheer me up?
ok, later y'all

January 2, 2005(12:03am)
hello, good morning
Happy Fucking New Year!(some things change and others don't)
a few resolutions are:
to quit feeling sorry for myself
to quit knocking myself down
to stop my suffering when I can
to stop smoking
and to get what I want
easy enough, huh?
oh, and to not neglect my friends and people I care about(all of you)
yes, may 2005 be profitable and alive,
and with minimal amounts of jive.

12-28-2004(9:19am)
I do deserve everything that's coming to me
alot of the stuff I do is crap!
now look,
there are other things and reasons
maybe I'll get what I want
maybe I'll get what I deserve
I could get nothing.
handling it is not the issue
the world is moving so very fast
what do I want?
money, love, complications?
grr

12-28-2004(3:25am)
I'm an idiot,
I do need to be locked in my room for 4 days,
that's the only way!

12-27-2004
hello, these last few days have been a whirlwind of activity
filled with more emotional headway/damage/etc.
than the usual years of stupidity.
I'm dealing with things like honesty, morals, family, dependence, trust,
not so much tact and strategy...
I wonder if that is a coming of age thing,
where I pay attention to me, and my life
and try to weave it gently into other people's lives
rather than the opposite,
where I let other people's lives form and filter out my life for me.
I think that is a reasonable conclusion, enjoy!

12-25-2004
ok, had a birthday a couple of days ago, 28 now...
merry christmas
no, I wouldn't dare put anything too revealing here,
(I know better)
the holidays are nice, it reminds me that I know my family
a lot better than any of us are willing to admit
happy holidays, everyone.
safe travels and best wishes to you and yours
celebrate life!
-alexis
p.s. I have a new counter now

12-2-2004(11.29pm)
really, I am so glad I forgot about this journal...
here:

9-19-2004(10:06pm)
at least she hates me...

9-12-2004(10:51am)
bitter rants, that what this has become, huh?
well this time it's about reality,
nothing's real, except maybe the money
but my gimmick is to still have hope,
in life, in humanity
so I'll tell you I do, and things'll be just fine
yes, just fine.
here:
"what's for you won't go by you"
no matter how hard you try to fight it off,
it will catch you,
I hope

8-14-2004(2.40m)
no I don't trust nyone,
fuckin fucks doin ll kinds of shit to me
fuck you,
you find your ltch nd hng on
go get 'em
I'll tke shot just like you did me
how did you hndle it?
bitch, mybe I cn lern from them
fucking rediculous
yeh, I'm feeling you
my pride won't let me
rging gin
wht ws it, I know I cme off s n sshole tonight
with severl people
whtever, i let you get to me, you don't do the sme
so pece

8-12-2004(3:12am)
allright, well today I'd like to thank
Sharon McJannet for asking me out to
see her boyfriend's show...
at the door, I happenned to find
a(n) One Hundred Dollar Bill ($100)
lying on the floor
it was, of course, too late to buy any lottery tickets
but now, I can eat and pay rent, properly
thanks!
-yours
ps. all of this written using control-v for my a's and !'s

7-28-2004(4:10am)
ok, so it goes...
my comfortable little world,
convenient
everything is so profound,
my paranoia says I'm dead.
what do you think?

7-18-2004(3:55am)
ok, I gotta edit some of this stuff that makes me sound stupid...
done, I don't know who is reading this anymore,
I don't know what is going on anymore,
this is my day(again) in a nutshell:
burning bridges
building bridges
dying
living
loving
hating, it's all the same, afterall, huh?

7/4/2004(3:23am)
oh, man!
happy fourth
peace
out

6-25-2004(1136pm)
party people, cast of characters tonight at the comfest
leslie,anthony,davefrick,aaron&simeon,donovan,post,jason
mikejordan,pat,greg,jefffernagle,chrisblousey,angela,
rob,rayfusco,beth,briangalinski,bruce,andytaylor,
mariavianello,mart&alexa&mike,pat,copper,lizatzenburger,
lauren,sarah,ken&savant,keikichihonna,emilyhausener,melanieshull,
jenniferannbell,bill&yuki,russianalex,the bygones,
grafton,tim easton,michellelewin
if you are on this list, this is an official shout-out,
cause I'm a dork like that
nice to see everyone again
feel the love, yo -alexis

6-22-2004(2:51am)
as good a reason as any,
I guess
hope I don't fail,
or prove I'm a wuss...
we'll see

6-20-2004(3:07pm)
hi, I'm back, here' s my webpage alexisdeleon.com
check it out

6-8-2004(3.12pm)
ok, I'm at work, f'n ready to leave for
the big easy
gas conference,
bring it on

6-6-2004(1:41am)
# Wearing jade will bring you luck.
# For your health, don't worry or be thinking all the time.
anyways, do I have too many aquiantences?
I may see you again
all of you
(of course, I remember and miss all of you)
everything seems so temporary
all the things that have ever meant anything to me
have turned to fleeting memories,
(that has to be my attraction to glass)
thus I speculate that relationships have become seeded in hendonistic intent
or weighted in some other area which I think or thought important
maybe it's because I don't quite trust my priorities, yet
even though these priorities are more honest and respectable then one may think
thanks
-alexis

6-2-2004(12.11am)
of course, upon further review
I didn't allow for any entrance
I'm so damaged, but I do love
peace, please

5-23-2004(11:28am)
ok, well my horizons may be as broad as they have ever been
step 2 of a long slippery slope path
it's stupid because it's friends
not just some
whatever, yeah
now really, what will the bridge club think?

5-17-2004(10:22pm)
ok, so I don't know who to be anymore,
I'm coming of age and have become a shy,
quiet recluse
am I going to forget my dreams,
lose them in a mess of paying bills
drinking carelessly,
and being overly sensitive?
I'm no fun
fuck it all
I skipped out on my accupuncture appointment
to hopefully get my computer fixed...
(traded one activity that will make me feel better
for another that will make me feel stupid, and ultimately worse)

5-14-2004(2:59am)
ok well this morning I found 2 four leaf clovers
picked up some responsibilities
spent some money
caused a ruckus at some korean restaurant
singing 'bohemian rhapsody' too loud
played off of racist paranoia
peace, elbow grease, and fuck you please

5-11-2004(8:43pm)
man, I can't find my phone,
and my computer is down.
today, yesterday...

5-9-2004(4:36am)
for the team?
I hate having a boss
do I trust anyone?
what the hell am I gonna do?
am I a complete failure?
I need to be released from all the shit that is holding me back

5-3-2004(12:11am)
ok figuring things out,
kinda sorry, kinda pathetic
fuck all
my japanese roomate is looking over my shoulder
reading all of this
making fun of me, not so funny
yesterday was fun
again I'll use keywords
(that I won't be able to place with memories of yesterday):
shit clogged toilet,
kieth clayton
goddamn gallery hop engagement,
18th century creamatorium neighbor asking us to leave,
umbrellas and nancy sinatra,
j.a.p.o. meat
peace,
keep on keeping on.
-alexis

4-10-2004(10:30am)
ok, so am I mostly a coward?
at least I'm no fake, or shady
I feel like people can't see through me,
because it's really me I'm putting out
I'm not dressed up, or acting falsely
I'm mostly tired.

3-23-2004(10:59pm)ssac
ok, so this is in case my goddamn, fucking bitchass computer
still won't work, after I try to fuck with it.
the story is: I installed "1n\/er$10n" and left it on for fucking hours
so some motherfucker put a virus on my machine
and now it won't even boot.
I closed mirc, shut it down and took it apart, didn't scan it, didn't restart it, nothing...
just shut it down.
fuckall

3-20-2004(12:15am)
hey, I really have to stop feeling so cornered, so stuck
I am, though, I am stuck...
anyways, fuckall

3-16-2004(3:06am)
ok, show's over now I gotta eat and clean up
thanks everyone, I love you all, you know this....

3-13-2004(3:58am)ssac
ok, so now I'm redefining what's real to me(finally)
nothing is really, but
I know that this show is real
maybe it's like a cotillion
where I present my work to the world
or just another show
it's my first solo gig...
people from all over the place are going to be there, like crazy
lots of people... show show show...
so (to keep in line with "what's real?")
this is real... this show is all for them
and you.
this is the get together where I can have people I enjoy
gather.
thanks for reading...
-alexis

3-12-2004(12:23am)ssac
hey what's up?
I just took some polaroid pictures of the studio that I've been in for 2 weeks
and I have a feeling I'll miss it...
I stared at the polaroid and then at the scene I shot
and noticed little details, kinda like in minority report.
it was a strange feeling
knowing that I could reach into this picture and change things
and knowing that I'd probably look at this picture later and wish I could...
we'll see...(I was told twice today that I need to take pictures of the studio space,
once by lisa and once by richard).
pictures make shit last too long
ok peace...
oh, and now I get to work in a shared space, whadda ya think of that?
that's the question I'll have for everyone who walks by.

3-10-2004(7:07pm)ssac
monkeywrench in my gears, worked through a g-love cd, then started another
my prof walked in with some dude,
and now all my insecurities and everything is at work
freakin out
freakin out
sorry, why do I do this...
it is not break time, get back to fucking work, bitch

3-9-2004(3:53am)
ok archives, so I can journal when I'm forced to Mac.
that's how I lost it in the beginning...
I lost it
p.s. oh, and yesterday's word was "crooked"
(from a flyer on the design school's floor, and from jake about a bubble)

3-5-2004(8:12pm)
my show, click later for a card
I found out I talk too much,
like I fucking care

2-26-2004(1.03am)
man, I'm free,
I excuse myself.
that's all

2-25-2004(6:11pm)
apparrently I'm a stalker now...
great, wonderful, brilliant....

2-20-2004(5:54pm)
blame,
I feel trapped and stuck like a fat pig
no backbone, or anything to support me,
alone, with nothing, but a bad attitude
maybe I just need sleep
outta here
ok, my nap's over, anyways
I feel better now, really...

1-24-2004(4:18am)
I 'chose' not to?
am I fucking crazy or just a lozer?
forget ribs on the beach
forget the bathroom
forget the walk of shame
forget I passed out
forget juniper
forget the dinner bucket
forget lunch
forget blossom
forget the marver(but the furnaces were cold!)
I'm not raging or dirty, intent is important, and I know better
forget, dickweed, forget...

1-16-2004(9:05am)
I can't be here and call this my life
totally empty
kinda.
assholes, sensitive geeks, conformist lemmings(assembled into a monster),
like I have a clue...
fuck you, I'll be me, you be you.
(that's what I'll important to not listen to all the bullshit in my head
There is alot of shitty things I've done that I regret,
enough to fuckin' ruin me forever, I believe it
anyways, yeah I let it get to me, and I get fucking buried...
so much more,
this is where being bipolar and crazy can help me.
crazy enough to think I can overcome this mountain of horse shit
and convince myself of a cheer enough to make my years of stupidity
an oblivious mishap of luck.
fuck you, you shady fuckwads, you have no idea...
-peace, but not to you.

1-13-04(2:20am)
defeated by the day, again
so depressed
I feel like I can't move forward, worthless
worthless
physically sick, I feel sick

01-7-04(10:18pm)
happy new year, ya?
another one of those freak out days,
you know.
I keep thinking, that's my problem
gotta stop thinking...

12-27-2003(2:18pm)
ok, I was thinking about the past
the goal is
to release the past that binds me,
and accept the past that empowers me.
peace...

12-20-2003(3:14am)
today I've decided to start taking note and sharing with you
the mysterious words that
haunt or follow me throughout the day
(the words that hit a resonance with me enough for me to trip over it,
with or without a reasonable explanation).
for example, a word of the past was "100%"
I must have heard that 3 or 4 times from different people
(someone was trying to tell me something... about school, about my career, about my lovelife?)
so... today's word is "Eagle"
I have no fucking clue

12-19-2003(10:26am)
have I worked for anything in my whole life?
anything?

12-11-03(9:14am)
destined

12-8-03(1018pm)
sad, I know
realest thing ever
could explain it, but would I let...
pick up and move on
I need to change(clothes)

11-26-2003(11:51pm)
ok, back where I started...
I know what that means
we finally talked... finally!

11-23-2003(11:12am)
yes. all I do is brood over shit,
I'm a fucking mess
caught a cold, and don't feel well
I'm so sick of the list of things to do
everything feels so futile, what is the point?

11-20-2003(9:33am)
crazy dream last night: I was wearing a necklace with a feather on it,near the clasp
and a necklace with things like lemons on it,
in a big grassy field on a hill, feeling good to be free
looking up and being saddenned to tears
that I could only see in widescreen
so I walk back to the 'cabin'
on the way up I get looks from people
get back look for beers in the fridge under the stairs
for some guests, as people walk by
I see some beers in the fridge that I don't expect
I think there's more...

11-18-2003(11:10pm)
treated l!ke shit, I get it
sketch, get fake
don't think of me
this was a good day for me
now I'm weeks behind

11-10-2003(8:57am)
am I really dreaming, or am I as hopeless as it seems
relax
sometimes I feel like I have nothing

11-8-03(10:15am)
ok, I get it I'm too obsessive
I blew it anyways, I couldn't take care of her
I so need to relax
uh...

11.1.03.426am
well, it's just me
(wouldn't it have been funny if I attacked tonight?)
(yeah real funny like that)
no
I had fun, I don't trust anyone
shit's dead
I have to worry about everything I do and say(just like you do)
like a parnoid freak
the 'good'(for those of the sort) news is
when I really do, do something to worry about, no one is really bothered
but you know it's not me to be like that...
and if you are like that, yer fucked

10-21-03(12:27)
some 'revelations' today:
- don't get consumed by bitterness.
- everything is gonna be ok.
- I should just really relax.
why do I a) allow myself to fuck up?
b) regret, and beat myself up over my fuck ups

9-30-2003(10:50pm)
stop doing what you are doing,
have confidence in yourself,
relax
it'll be just fine

9-27-2003(10:02am)
ok man, what the fuck is up?
getting spun, thown, and flipped over backwards,
what a day!(and it just started)
life goes on, man

9-23-2003
stop it, what does she need?

8-27-2003(1:10am)
ok,
me, me, me, me, me...
but I'm still not good at it.
go figure...

8-25-2003(10:10pm)
well, bombs went off in india,
very close to where
someone special is
I hope she's ok
that's all.

8-24-2003(11.15am)
nothing's fun....
Aquelera do Brasil
Brazil, where hearts were entertaining June,
We stood beneath an amber moon
And softly murmured "someday soon."
We kissed and clung together,
Then, tomorrow was another day
The morning found me miles away
With still a million things to say;
Now, when twilight dims the sky above
Recalling thrills of our love,
There's one thing I'm certain of
Return I will to old Brazil.

8-24-2003(12:47am)
I need to keep more secrets,
and not tell everyone everything,
(except, of course, you... I trust you)
it's probably a defense,
for when I get scared and threatened.
my mind is kinda the weakest, and don't have the power to deal
sometimes...
ok, neptune - secretive
saturn - developed, and governed
I think I'm picky, and that's good
"she's not affected, because they laugh at me, not her" - maybe mark twain

8-22-2003(6:18 am)
yes this journal used to be a report of the inspired life lesson
of the day...
but now has become a gripe session
this abuse is out of control
peace

8-20-2003(11:26pm)
obnoxious
thinks he knows everything
lazy
lacks self confidence
wallows in self-pity(this journal)
lacks direction
is broke can't manage money
never learns
needs to escape
is always considered guilty
not well liked
just give up, man...

8-13-2003(11.16pm)
hey what's up?
figured a few things out today, about treating people, etc...
but why is it always such a fight
I guess it cures boredom...
maybe I'm slow...
in fact I think I am
I need money and a job, and some responsibility
ok, whatever,
right?
peace

8-6-2003(1:10am)
ok, well am I really a selfish bastard,
probably,
I will... I'll try at least, gotta know what's up with me...
I try so fucking hard,(too hard)
and I could have treated someone better,
know it's too late...

8-5-2003(12.05am)
hi, yeah the world isn't out to get me,
but I think my new roomates are
oh well, if any of you ever read this
maybe I'll see ya, hopefully not, right...
hopefully not...

7-26-2003(408am)
hey, sorry bro about that,
I totally forgot you were mentioned
man I need to chill!
bad time to do anything but stay home...
really

7-22-2003(1:20am)
ok, how's it going?
just mustering up what I can,
it's not what I am in my world that bothers me
something else, maybe the real me, maybe what could be me
whatever, right? ["it's enough to make kings and vagabonds give up the very best"
sorry to quote elton john but that's an interesting quote...
and I'm not picky, just bitter and desperate...(from 'who wants to marry my dad')]
-believe in love,
alexis

7-15-2003(1:46am)
hi, so I read my past journal entries,
actually had them read to me by windows xp's narrator program, and
I am not impressed,
saw a sort of deterioration
from a hopeful dreamer to
a warped, pessimistic crazy
I can still chirp songs of hope without having to fake it...
but now maybe it's just buried a little deeper,
under lots of negative stuffs
which make up what you see and feel...
maybe I need to take a break.
-alexis
p.s. lot's of things, I gotta quit being afraid of people, I gotta quit being so paranoid, I gotta living the way I want, and getting what I want, and I gotta take care of myself better, ok...(I'll get back to you if it goes well, if not.. it's not worth it)

july sixth, two thousand three(four minutes after one AM)
I'm ok, thanks...
peace, catch you on the flipside of down...

june 21, 2003(12:15pm)
hi everyone,
on my way to penland,
so I've been thinking lots of things,
like hate(I mean, how is the world that you make for yourself?),
self-doubt(what are you really worth?),
and superficiality(what is really important?)
I also saw movies that I liked and made me think
like Spirited Away(made me think of the people I come across in my life, and what they are to me),
Kiki's Delivery Service(finding your motivation to continue with life),
Starship Troopers(what is acceptable in that society... with boy-girl showers(a great scene with some of the most pure acting), and the movie's so-real-it's-crazy pop culture)this movie mentions harvard
Bamboozled(spike lee adresses racism again but this time I felt emotionally attached to the characters)this movie mentions harvard
Catch Me if You Can(reality is what you make of it, huh? and the truth is always so fucking cool, and this movie mentions harvard)
one redeeming quality about all of these movies is that they all
incorperate a love or even sentiment, between characters.
and I even saw movies that sucked like The Last Dragon(a waste of time, it was the underdog-makes-good-and-gets-the-girl story)
ok, that's all for today
peace for all...

June 6, 2003(10:50pm)
hey 'dancer in the dark' sucks, man
buy the soundtrack but don't see the movie
...toyed with mostly

June 4, 2003(1:38am)
hey what's up we had a 'specify glass' show today,
it went well, I missed an interview with the lantern
I also found 2 4-leaf clovers today(off the same plant), coincidence?
no luck involved, man, none...
hmm, anyone seen that x-files when mulder found a whole handful of 5-leaf clovers, that was awesome...
I'm always doing something else when the x-files is on
peace and nacho cheese

May 17, 2003(2:30am)
hey, don't frown...
go good!
it's never too late

may 8, 2003(11:05am)
to you out there:
don't ever stop dreaming,
until it's over...
trust me, this is right.

april 23, 2003(2:07pm)
hi, back again, trying to get organized...
I think this journal has become too close to the real me
I need to talk about what a beautiful day it is
and how my sinuses never feel quite right...
enjoy the springtime funk, after all
it's ALL springtime funk.

march 19, 2003(10:01am)
we are going to alfred, ny to see an old prof, ruth
hopefully we'll have some fun, I like to party.
I wanted to go to nyc to see michelle, but it's not gonna happen, too far
(I like new york city)

march 17, 2003(12.22am)
for tomorrow...
love conquers all.
never lose hope, have some of mine...
-alex!s
oh and,
happy st. patrick's day

3-3-2003(2:15pm)
yeah it's cool, always depressed lately
it's the bills, the taxes, and the insurance
will I make it!?
whoknows...
enjoy the sun and everything under it...

3-3-2003(12:54am)
no, man I don't trust anyone...
I know the tricks
and I am as paranoid as they come!
so many little wierd things that make me think so
little things
wierd things
I know I used to care
I think I still do
if it isn't, will I know?

3-1-2003(2.26am)
is my heart capable of love?
still not sour from deceit,
not yet hopeless from lies,
accepting all the smiles from those, unknowing, who ween me from true life,
yes.
it is my place to believe...
until the end.
even she can't look me in the eyes.
a trust, so easily broken
is not,
can not,
no matter what we report,
be
a true love...
this is why I need more
(and need to say less).
you win
(true love doesn't exist you stupid motherfuckers)

2-26-2003(9:25pm)
that's fucked up when the only reason to be nice to me is
sometimes it's the only way... right?
mostly paranoid? or just plain lame, lame lame lame....

2-17-2003(11:17pm)
so...
"suspicion breeds confidence"(from Brazil)
that's why I doubt and the world crashes on me
incredibly worthless and distinctively puny.
I found myself to be somebody I did not ever want to become...
there is no appropriate penance, so now I wallow.
(why do end each day telling myself to do better?)

2-17-2003(2:08am)
man, I get to read my past entries, and they suck...
the last 2 were censored, sorry.
this one is about my complexes
one that thinks I'm worthless,
a 'you think you're better than me!?' complex,
a center of attention problem,
trust issues,
and some others that I can't think of right now.
it's easy to blame my childhood, adolesence, and relationships
maybe there was always something missing,
that's why I'm so messed.
besides that I think right now, I am just another lazy dreamer,
who wants it all, but would rather have it served to me, preferably without having to leave the couch...

2-11-2003(10:54pm)
ok, penny Alexis you are a moron
hmm, I wonder if my nickel will dime me tonight...
maybe there is more(or less) going on than I thought,
ok, I'm quarter here

2-11-2003(1:16pm)
ok, I figured out why I am 1 in my 2 3,
after my stay in the hospital, some 3 years ago, I became half 4
when you break your 5, 6 7 flows out of your 8,
my 9 10 was leaking this yellow fluid, and now
I think that it is because I have a dried
11 12 clot stuck in my 13
I have not gone 14 since my accident,
I realized that too, isn't that wierd?
maybe I have and had just forgotten
I don't know.
so, I should go to a 15 so they can tell me if they see anything in
there that's unusual, in the meantime I should 16 or something
to get that shit out of my 17...
l8r

2-10-2003(2:01pm)
man, I hope I'm not some monster,
some predator,
I have crazy evil thoughts sometimes,
I'll just pray for them to go away...
maybe I'm not right,
dear God I hope not...
...easy man, easy...

2-10-2003(1:28am)
ok typing this 2wice tonite, you phreaks!
so much shit to think about, what is art?
it ain't (certainly is not) me...
ok, late... don't take the bait,
alexis
p.s. click these links today, it's a nAsty computer art webring

february 7 2003(12:49pm)
goats, I got 'em and people get 'em
I can't let 'em,
think, rudeboy... maybe I always do mess shit up
use your head
that's all, mr. dowrong
nice to meet you please leave me alone.

2-3-2002(8:55pm)
hey
the pc is back, so there'll be more of me...
I've found myself more busy,
less bored and wasting time online
I don't know if that's good,
maybe now we'll see what a real failure I can be
if I actually try
(like I'm really gonna try)
peace like geese...
oh, I confessed

1-26-2003(637pm)
no I don't feel like a looser cause
I gotta work on a project during the Soupabowe
well, anyways, it'll be pirates tonight, that's
comforting
I gotta run,

1-23-2003(3:12pm)
hey ok, just a quick note...
Im wrong as always, I like dos alot, I always think the worst,
and too much of it. on that,
I'm the hell outta here...
peace and wrestling grease
"your making me Paranoid!" -dude in the backseat

1-20-2003(5:42pm)
happy new year I guess, I think I lost a few.
she doesn't read this anyways.!
I don't know why,
whatever whatever, I feel sick
I'm outta here...
2003 - why's this bullshit happen to me?

12-25-2002(9:57pm)
merry christmas
for what it's worth
to all you hounds of hell, those who are fallen too deep into the dark side
(am I one already?)
maybe I encourage you and temp you too much
in the end, you can do whatever you want
consequences are temporary
I'm a fucker
peace to the baby jeees
p.s. I'm at my brother's comp, mystery men is playing on dvd!

12-22-2002(9:54pm)
live from fucking dow's
2 hours and I'm fucking 26!
no, I'm not going to spend this one alone, not tonight
no
not tonight
(I'll spend it at a bar drinking my ass off)even worse
I need the truth, just a glimpse, not all of it

11-13-2002(10:15pm)
ok, motherfuckers still trying to smooth out the wrinkles from this weekend...
this is what happenned, wierd bad stuff...
josh's friend from back home got stabbed and killed,
ted's friend committed suicide
sally was held up at gunpoint at her bank
susan's boyfriend's boss pulled a gun on his wife
a tornado hit erin's county
a hailstorm broke my window
and I got robbed
all this weekend...
and to you thieves who took my projector, my guitars, my glass, and my gameboy
fuck you!
to everyone else:
peace and good vibes, until the weather says it's ok to go crazy
p.s. sorry I missed the marbles tonite.. that sux

10-21-2002(8:34pm)
and I can't help freaking out about things
I think I know...
only time will tell...
thanks!

10-16-2002(7:21pm)
you!

10-16-2002(12:02am)
hey, here again, I'm afraid that my pc at home days are limited
so I'll write something profound and leave you with something
remarkable...
the last day on earth...

10-12-2002(2:30am)
hello thank god it's friday,
it's actually saturday morning, but
nobody's paying attention
(to me, thank god because this journal entry sucks.)
"it's all the same day, man..."-janis joplin

10-11-2002(8:21am)
ok, back in beezniss...
me pc is back on line.
now for the regularly scheduled amount of comfort and disreguard for the web...

10-4-2002(3:42pm)
ok, fuckitall
I don't know, thingsa wierd...
plenty-o-fake people out there,
are you one?
peace out with your peas out!(not so funny, man)

10-2-2002, (1:33pm)
hey, another day like this...
kinda stressful,
makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong
and I know something's going right
I feel paranoid, like people are out to get me
I don't underestimate them,
but I also know that if someone really wanted me dead
it wouldn't be that hard
paranoid about strangers trying to make things personal
it'll get to me, eventually today...
I'll break and we'll see...
but right now I'm doing fine.
thanks, and take it easy, you "children of the going on"

10-1-2002,Tuesday! (10:42am)
ok, right now I'm skipping class
(yesterday vanilla beer, soccer, and yoga)
because I didn't want to be 7 minutes late(again)
I'm thinking that people might think I'm some primadonna
who doesn't need to show up for class,
especially when it seems like mostly freshmen in there.
I was also thinking that tomorrow when we meet
I could ask the person next to me
if we did anything and borrow notes...
more importantly right now, there's something going on
I remember saying to myself,
it's not necessarily what I need
but what I want...
maybe for a more comfortable life
maybe just so I'm not
maybe because...
I'm a hopeless romantic

9-29-2002(835pm)
hi!
I was told that I seem like I'm hiding something, and that I need to stop being
afraid of life, having one, and being a part of one.
now, on my way back from dinner with my parents tonight,
I realized what I'm hiding.
I'm embarrassed to admit to myself that I am not doing
this life thing right.
I am trying to hide the fact that I should not be here, in school still,
coasting with life, spending money that will haunt me later.
this makes everything that I've made for myself here seem terribly wrong,
and I cannot enjoy it without a nagging conscious.
I have no direction, I'm counting on my clever disregard for convention
to eventually make me successful at whatever I do.
I guess I have faith in God, and myself...
even if nobody else does!

9-27-2002(1:28pm)
things I should've done a long time ago.
maybe I don't know what's good for me.
forget about it, forget it all!
God doesn't listen to what I say.

9-24-2002(4:37pm)
ok!
I'm so fucked up...
stagnant, afraid to move on
then, I start questioning myself
do I have anything that's mine?
allright, here goes... fuckin great, here goes
wish me luck...

9-17-2002(255pm)
man oh man, I think the people around me are trying to make me crazy
Maybe they already succeeded.
hooray for you guys
please gloat when it's over, not a second sooner
then live your useless lives telling stories about it
useless, that's all...

9-17-2002(11:22 am)
ok, not so bad, I guess
not so bad
I guess it helps that I have no idea what I'm doing

A moment of silence for 9-11-2001

9-10-2002(1:31pm)lfcgay
what is it really all for?
none of this makes any difference to me
really
I should have... a long time ago

9-9-2002(425pm)
if you are reading this write something in my fucking
guestbook, please...

9-7-2002(1:oopm)
hey this is me, what's up?
just washed my rug with 4 goodyear blimps flying in formation over me
that was wierd
all of a sudden there was a loud buzz
and I expected to bombarded with water balloons.
college football...

9-6-2002(1:44pm)
ok, I feel fine...
confused maybe!
but I'm fine don't feel bad, don't feel good,
anyways, bo-ring for you, sign the guestbook, asswipe.

9-5-2002(4:18pm)
man, oh man
this is so crazy
you suck
I feel better

9-2-2002(11:28pm)
lfdows on high so I'm doing something wrong,
I feel bad about a chair.
I'm gonna return it when I can
I apologized 2wice, but I'll still return it.
and there's something else wrong, but I don't know what it is...

8-29-2002(12:11am)
hey just got done writing 4 essays for my final exam in history of art.
click on "exam" to read them.
it's about girls, gods, and monsters the usual.
sorry I was bitching at my teacher,
I don't hate her, she's just angry.

8-27-2002(4:43pm)
lf fine arts library
goddamn it,
bitter people, I'm fucking bitter too, so you go and fuckoff.
my history of art teacher is an angry dyke!

8-22-2002(9:57pm)
hey now wait, I'm at the computer labs
and this shit's crazy.
finals are coming next week and I got 3 2 study 4.
now I gotta check my guestbook

8-21-2002(2:33pm)
crazy bitch

8-12-2002(11:32pm)
hey another day, I need to start working hard,
instead of sitting around and getting fat.

8-9-2002(12:47pm)lfcgay
please welcome sam:
Hello, everybody! This is your guest journalist Sam! I am goin to put an exclamation point after every freakin' sentence! Alexis and I work in one of the most boring places on earth! Alexis is so cool! He's talking on his cell phone right now! I have a cell phone! It's name is Schmoouu! I was going to call it Herman, but my mother said that was an ugly name! I'm going to tell a story now! Once there was a little bunny, and it was bright pink! Like, NUCLEAR PINK! Radioactive pink that fried the beholder's eyeballs! Sweet, huh?! So anywho, one day the bunny thought, This Sucks. I want to take over the world! So Mr. Psychedelic Bunnyman went to the White House and knocked on the door! BANGBANGBANG! And George W. Bush came to the door and said what the dealio?! And the bunny said I'm gonna fuckin' take over the presidency and then the world! And Dubya recognized the threat to his power in the bunny, and shot the bunny dead! BAMBAMBAM! And since the bunny was a fucking bunny, which are pretty much useless, defenseless animals, well, bitch went down! And then, Dubya got the chair for his brutality, 'cause he killed a little crippled homeless minority girl in the bunny's shower of bullets, and America was saved! Thanks Mr. Psychedelic Bunnyman!
(I'm sorry I kept this -a)

8-4-2002(8:04pm)LFD
hey what's up?
well now, my shit is so not together, it's rediculous
quiz tomorrow and quiz tuesday, I think I'm ready
I need to find a place with more than one room
a bedroom, kitchen, and a livingroom
it's necessary...
ok, now something thought provoking and profound,
your mom.

8-2-2002(10:01am)LF CGAY
hey what's up?, I don't know nothin,...
what is this all about?

7-29-2002(10:24am)LFCGAY
man oh man,
there are a few things I have trouble with, I mean today I have to
start a new class, without a book, because I can't afford one
and I feel like crap, and the world sucks,
beyond that, enjoy the day.

7-27-2002(3:15pm)
ok motherfuckers, I don抰 know why but I can抰 type in my html editor
what the hell is up?
this is being written in word

remember, you can only fuck yourself?#060;br>

7-26-2002(11:21am)LFCGAY[LIVE FROM THE CARTOON RESEARCH LIBRARY]
hello hello, I'm back I got my password back, and now I'm online again...
for better or worse, I again have somewhere to put my crap...
my life has changed, I found that it isn't what I thought,
I still do believe that love is the answer and it will prevail...
(what a hopeless loser)

2-26-2002(9pm)
I am so wrong!
(ps.remember yesterday?)

February 25, 2002(1:46am)
hey today I'm 9,196 days old I really don't remember every day,
not even most of them...
is tomorrow a day I'll never forget
or even remember?
new today:
I figured I'm a flake,
realized I look back upon my life(like I'm dying) too much,
regretted a few days, cherished a few,
thought about my future,
realized that I put too much hope into tomorrow,
and found a word for my condition, apathy.

2-19-2002(5:24pm)
ok, lots of stuff, feeling particularly worthless. I feel like I was spin around the wheel and overlooked, by all sorts. there is no dignity in being me. I'm past worrying about that. why is my life so difficult. When I taste a morsel of it, I'm punished severly for it. really don't feel well, and I have only you, my anonymous lovers to cry to. parasitic, pathetic, worthless, I don't know what to do. end it now, you say, give up on your life, since you hate it so so much, poor fucking you, I've turned the page on you, see ya. my dignity keeps you alive with the taste of blood in your mouth, I need a life.

2-7-2002(142am)
I was thinking I want to be like a river, or the ocean, or the sun,
how for them every day passes, and new things come and go
but the river still stands the tide keeps rolling, and the sun brings the next day
things are never the same,
things can never be the same
I can think of 4 times in my life!
(off the top of my head)
when this exciting hope for tomorrow, for the next second was real
utopia, heaven, bliss,
I wanna be like a river, pushing through each day, relentlessly
obyeing time
yet I'll stand, like the day before, strong, and ready for when tomorrow brings the same
but I'm not like a river, and it hurts
when the perfect moments are pushed on
kept in my heart, and never shared,
only real for those who remember

1-31-2002(9:19am)
I keep trying to convince myself that I'm in the right, when I know, and the world knows, I'm in the wrong.
it's a wierd feeling like I don't even want to go outside
there is a way to mess that up, and I'm convinced I do it.
and remember, you don't know me.

1-30-2002
to sophie

1-27-2002(543pm)
new dayclock, that's all
later

1-25-2002(1:55am)
pathetic, nothing, wasted, lost, hopeless, tired, I quit.

1-11-2002(1:57pm)
you know that one story about the kid who all the kids make fun of and laugh at
until he can't take it anymore
and he snaps!
then
he gets laughed at and made fun of even more
then he wakes up the next morning and there is nobody there
who cares about him
woah
killed
and dissected
the kid who's adrenal glands were the life of a killer rave
and who's lats were the main course?
> that's you.

1-10-2002(12:08am)
hi, another shitty day, overcome by the darkness once again, defeated,
on to another, more important, less pressing subject
my recent exploration of an artist named Eduardo Paolozzi has been strangely
accompanied by an introduction to architecture.
convienent, isn't it.
still I remain a loyal fan to my favorite artist Egon Schiele(look it up, man)

1-6-2002<10:07pm>
hi Live From Dow's
wow winter wonderland action outside, about 3 inches of wet
packing snow.
ok, lata!

1-1-2002 (10.:28pm)
happy new year, I just got my wisdom teeth pulled, twilight zone marathon. insanity on tv, insanity all over.
it's getting close, I need to organize my thoughts, but I don't know
if that'll help or what. ok, we made it, happy 2002.

12-27-2001(4:53am)
ok!

12/23/2001(2:50am)
hello, another birthday,
again, I am alone,
but alive, and not in the hospital(3* strikes and you're out, right?)
*{in '76 the 23rd was in the newlyborne room, '99 was in the icu}
25 today,
ok, it's either 5:20am
or at 5:31
but regardless,it's open season from here on out...
just kidding... ?

12-21-2001(11am)
hello motherfucker
there is no story, still haven't figured anything out
with an emphasis on anything
what the hell do I want?
you suck.

10-30-2001(3:?? pm)
dude, new comp lab, free prints, rock on like your mother!
this funky split-hump keyboard gets me off too, peas

10-24-2001(3:14am)
hello nice to see that people are tuning in.
please tell your friends, enemies, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, family,
anyone anyone who needs a break from the grind...
you know I'll do my best.
email me, it don't cost nuthin, and I won't reply unless you ask(nicely).
love,
alexis
p.s.
ok, before I saw how visited my site was I did think of something to share
last week, I had a dream where I was drinking at a bar or a party or something
and I had to go to the bathroom
standing over the toilet,
I thought to myself wow, I really had to go, this feels great
then I realized that, that wasn't peeing,
this is peeing.
and I went.
yes, I wet my bed because I couldn't decipher my dreams from reality.
(I blame it on drugs)... anyways, now everytime I go pee, I think to myself,
damn, this feels good, am I awake or what?

10-9-2001(5:14pm)
hey fucker
no time for this, none
thanks,

9-22-2001(10:48pm)
lfd
hi, I was reading some old entries and I must request that you please excuse me...
the word "laid" should be eliminated from my vocabulary
unless it's used to describe railroad tracks,
carpet, concrete, or tiles(I think they're set, though)
anyways, like I said
to all you lovers
keep doin' what your doin'

9-22-2001(331am)
mornin' just got off my feet, and it feels great,
yes I am I a loser,
not gettin laid
there is no excuse
fuck you
anyways
this issue(as there are many) is about self doubt
I let people down constantly
constantly
sometimes I'm just what they need,
sometimes, not enough
sometimes I raise hell(becuase as we all know...
just realized I did not adress the national crisis currently at hand
I pray for all the victims, rescue workers, volunteers, relatives, and friends involved in this, my prayers go out to you.
I wish I had anything more comforting to say.
but I sincerely pray for you, God is awesome, we can find strength in Him

9-19-2001(9.05pm)
hi, first day of school, kinda scary
the glass program said they wouldn't have me this quarter
so I drove home wondering what the hell I am going to do now
I'll miss everything about it
it really does suck for me
bad
real bad

9-11-2001(belated)

9-9-2001(542pm)
lfd
hey football
anyways, love, adventure, and life
tell me your story, and we'll see.
keep on rockin' in the free world, please

8-27-2001(12:54am)
lfd
hey, crazy weekend happy birthday Cap.
I don't know what to say, never do...
still scared of livin'...
you've heard this before
I talk too much,
enjoy it all... that's why it's there

8-23-2001(1,14 am)
in the past, I've loved, cared, and the sort
insisting, I continue
thank you

7-29-2001(9.12pm)
lfd
hey, I'm fucked up, I know...
workin on it, thanks.

7-9-2001(8.51pm)
just because

I used to keep a more accurate journal
as far as my emotions go,
but now there's just no time, and
I can bee doing other things.
thanks for tuning in.
p.s.
Today I asked someone to painnt the town red with me, and was turned down, sucks

7-6-1(12:20pm)
hey, I'm a drunk, abused, and lonely soul. fuck all this.

7-1-1(10.37pm)
lfd
sup mofo?, winds of change blowin,
not at my back... I did my dishes today.
lator

6-29-2001(10.26pm)
hi, you wouldn't believe..
well, maybe you would!

the summer of love continues...

6-27-1(11.36pm)
!

6-10-2001(1o:3opm)
hi l.f.d.
sup yo? trickery, deciet, lies, truths, lives, and the sort.
I ask, how are you?
...
but remember, wherever you are...
it's almost over

5-28-o1 (1223am)
LFD
hi lovers, remember, that's what we are...
lovers.

5*26*1 dawn
my dream world is nice,
I can't leave.
I would like to know the truth.
but
I'm already crazy.
5.18.2001 1239am
that last entry was poorly written, and I apologize.
I don't know if I'm well,
I beleve in tomorrow
and I try to stay honest

5-12-201-312am
ok fuck it, here is a real journal entry,
I was thinking about shit like, masturbating, real life, inhibitions, rage, sex, then I saw a tape of me earlier in the day, and I realized shit about shit, but really what's wierd, is that things that mean shit to me, could mean something to someone else, but I don't take the chance, it's wierd I noticed how I am really oblivious sometimes, but feel over sensitive other times. before this I was working on being confident with my decisions, and trusting myself, and I guess, now that I think about it maybe I am fighting it. I don't know, ok well, this is...
no now wait, now I'm thinking about what's real, I do see into people, but really sometimes what I see scares me, sometimes, it can't be trusted, sometimes it's beautiful, really beautiful, there is a place in people's eyes, kept for the truth, past the glaze, past the eyewear, past the sounds coming from thier mouthes, it's not fair, I live there and hacve no other choice, I cheat my life if I don't and I can't live if I don't, maybve this iss the place of reality, maybe people have made fake lives with everyday things, to accept that this life isn't the one for them to live. to live out thier dreams, fantasies. I am scared, but I trust in god. This journal may just be for some kind of future inspiration, I don't know.
I am cautious, and paranoid, and oblivious... but maybe I hear what I need to hear, since this new reality has just been brought upon me, I don't know if I should keep with the original plan, about me trusting mywself, thakn... thnks...then agian it coulsd be jsut perfedct timing, and just what I nee.d.
(maybe I'm in my own little world)
more later... love

5-7-1(114am)
BLFD
fuck.

4-29-01 11.09pm
hi LFD(live from dow's)man, I don't know what the hell is up
I woke up this morning with my front door just about kicked in
that's nice, huh?
I tried being myself on saturday night, and it turned out pretty good
self doubt may be(is) my biggest obstacle
I am my worst critic
really, I think I need help

3-22-2001 10:13pm
hi yes, broadcasting live from dow's
played 2 games of pool, lots of friends, though
wish there was more...

2181340am
I'm still confused about how the world works.
I don't mean like compound interest or traffic lights
I mean like human relationships
us humans have been around for a long time before money and
before roads, and I'm know we've had these relations
but why can't I be like everyone else?
and funcion within these rules, lies, truths, whatever
maybe I should do what I feel...
that would be too easy
when I try to play the games
whatever
-alexis

2-6-1
hi merry tuesday,valentine's day is coming...
yuk

1-2-01
well, looks like we made it, another year has gone by
without us humans managing to blow it up or burn it down
we'll get there, one day we'll get there...
happy new year...

10-30-2k(11:52pm)
happy halloween, devil's night is something, isn't it?
hey if you're reading this, please, burn the negativity
and live in the positivitty.
amen brother, peace out...?

9-13-2000(1:41am)
hi, lots of stuff has happenned , some unanswered
wake up calls, some terribly disturbing character
development, a few spastic episodes. No I don't know
what I'm doing with my life, please email
me with suggestions and clues. thanks, love, alexis

9-8?-2000(2:29am)
la la la la hi again, we're here again
do you remember when
we had daily journal en-
trees are still green here
lots of gut from drinking beer
this shit is too wierd
for me and the dog
who can't read this log
who lives off coswell cogs
because his daddy works there
the future doesn't make me scared
bottled water in the shelter, I'm all prepared
I wonder what n'sync'll wear
tomorrow, maybe I can borrow, some fashons from a farro,
I'm not david navarro.

______/_
alexis\

5-16-2000(12:25am)
hi, I'm back. I realized today that I may be a little
scarier than I thought, I could be wrong, but
I don't know. this page does say alot...
some might call it introspective, some may call it
insanity, to really read all this crap
you have to have some weird obsession about me,
you'd have to be as preoccupied with me as I am.
and yes, that is fucked up(although I appreciate
the attention, I don't know I want it, or even deserve it.
ok, thanks, love to you all!

2-13-2000(5:20pm)
ok, not much to say, I feel like I'm getting old,
to some of my peers, it seems,
saving the world may have taken second place
to living a comfortable lifestyle... and there's nothing wrong with that.
but, seeing as how I haven't really accomplished anything
more than memories and good times, I really should start
thinking about what my life will amount to.
on that heavy note, I'll leave you...
-in the rain, Alexis

2-12-2000(6:40pm)
friggin' baby steps, this page is taking forever...
love ya!

2-5-2(quarter till 2am)
ok, please don't forget to celebrate what you have.
thanks
love, alexis

1-22-2000(12:25pm)
hi, welcome to another day, I'm trying something
new, a new page on to link to, from here, originally
a gallery?, but I don't know. I don't think I'll get
anything done today
ok, laters, enjoy

1-13-2000(5:45pm)
Hey the word of the day is "ether wind"
The nonexistant "light wind" thing caused by the
earth's rotation. In 1882 Michelson did an experiment disproving it and in 1887 Morley repeated it, with the same
result.

1-8-2000(4:37pm)
Welcome to another session, I feel fine today
I'm still restless and my attempts to save the world
are put on hold for now. good day, laters

1-6-2000(1:48pm)
Ok, while I'm still preoccupied with recooperating
I've been thinking, and there's alot of it to be
done, considering. So thourough exploration of all ideas seems reasonable.
I actually had ideas about the karmic implications
involved with the fact that I was covered in a feather filled comforter
when I tried to "fly"... some of the best I could
think of is that God decided that I need my legs
and arms for some reason, and let me keep them.
Beyond that I really haven't really figured anything out.

1-2-2000(9:35pm)
Hello, Happy New Year, wow, it's 2000 and the world didn't explode
for y2k. As the first addition to my webpage for
this new thousand years, I'd like to say something
timelss, meaningful, and shit, just something good.
I hope this millenium goes well, we should all think
positivity, creativity, and productivity for everyone
so we can all go far.
live your dreams, never give up, happy 2o^3... I guess -alexis

12-28-1999(10:54am)
Welcome once again. My discharge date is tomorrow
and I'm nervous about the 'real' world, I think I'll
be ok,(knock on wood). I'd like to thank the wonderful
people here who make up the staff, they are an awesome
team and I really appreciate all the work they've done for me
Thanks, Alexis.

12-27-1999(7:36pm)
Hello again, today I'll just update you on my mood, it's
ok, in the most boring, stagnant way possible.
I won't know the condition of my brain when I leave this
place, and hopefully I won't be slowed too much.
Today I went to the art institute and was thoroughly
impressed by the artifacts and artwork there.
I love art and I think I always will.

12-26-1999(5:10pm)
Hello, Merry Christmas yesterday, I hope it was white
in your area, mine was. Please be generous, kind and
loving this holiday season, and let it live on.

12-23-1999(8:28pm)
Welcome, and thanks for tuning in.
I've been working all day to earn the right to say
I have spent my birthday in a hospital bed
(more than one birthday that is)
and it's not worth it.
thank you, goodnight -alexis

12-22-1999(7:49pm)
hello, today I'm brodcasting live from Grandview
Hospital's rehabilitaion center. Eviedntly I felt that my post quarter
celebrations wouldn't be complete withou a 25-foot drop from my rooftop
and so(of course)I'm not one to fight the powers that be
and now I'm here, trying to re learn how to walk and not slur my words.
I'd like to thank my family and friends for thier support
I love them very much, and I'd like to say that I'm doing better and'll be out soon.
So until next time, love, be careful and unless you got feathers
don't even try it.
blah what a terrible entry!-alexis

12-2-1999(9:19am)
Good morning, strange things are in the air. It's hard sometimes
when the hill's too steep, the road a bit too windy,
you can cry or you can go on.
In my life I have been put where people want me, where they
feel comfortable with me, and I can be whatever you want
I'm good like that. But I think I've pent too much time
pleasing people(it's time to {chill}) it's no longer
a good way to be accepted, for me at least. Certain
roles in life, I guess, it's crazy.
c-ya

Tuesday 11-16-1999(8:27pm)
Hello, welcome back to my world. Not much to say today, kinda
tired but I'll get by. Shit I don't know what to say.
Crap on a stick.

10-16-1999(11:10am...one more minute, but I didn't try)
Hello good morning, fuck, I don't feel well, I have so much
to get done and it feels like no time to do it.
it's one of those things where If I don't start now,
they may never get done, I also have to stop using
my time unwisely,,,, Peace like a red fleece...
-alexis

9-1-1999(5:58pm)
I'm sorry for the disgusting journal entry, it wasn't
neat or anything, just disgusting, no truth, or anything
to it... although, someone did hit a possum in the road
the next day, it was disgusting. I have to tell you
what happenned, I found a kitten, and gave her away.
She was the cutest thing ever, I only had her for a day and
called her Yogurt. I found her a nice home, it's all good.
Hey well, peace, love and good things, Laters all. -alexis

8-21-1999(9:56pm)
Hello, welcome back into my world... Lately I've been
working... alot. I had 3 jobs, a day gig stocking a warehouse,
a night job running pizzas, and being a computer lab assistant
on the weekends. This is my excuse for the neglect of my
page. I would like to blame Geocities-ur Yahoo, but it's my
fault, too. What else is new... Not much, oh I quit my daytime
thing, because I wasn't happy. School starts soon, I'm trying
to have fun, and I don't know... I have some cool new pics to
post on my site, I hope you like them. laters! peace & happiness forever!

7-10-1999(10:20pm)
Hello world, if you aren't interested in spreading happiness
kindness, and positive vibes... I ask you stay out of my way.
The world psyche has been really messed up over the years.
There are actual people who decide to work against progress.
I understand the importance of certain sacred things that
aren't meant to be commonly known, but to destroy or alter the
truth, that says something for the society we live in,
the way we use our roles teachers, and (believe it or not) what we can
expect from future generations (until the entire world is
mislead, and nobody knows anything).
I don't believe in taking all of the collective knowledge of
all mankind and broadcasting it throughout the world...
but then again, would it help?
I realize that exposing certain areas of expertise could
mean the livelihood of some people, and I understand the
importance of that. I don't really know what I'm saying...
I guess a giant database of all human knowledge would be awesome
so nothing is lost... The keeper of this information has to be
somewhat trustworthy and good, I guess. I'm on crack.
laters all...
p.s. Happy Birthday!

7-3-1999(9:03pm)
Hello welcome again, sometimes when everything seems silly
all you can do is hope, and have faith that God will
provide and shine through you, and everything'll be just fine.
walk with faith, and it'll be cool.
It works, Try it today. love, Alexis

7-3-1999(11:21am)
Good morning, I decided to shine as long as possible,
clouds suck, but there is alot of goodness out there
it's all about finding it...
good people, I know you're out there, don't give up... love, Alexis

monday morning, still dark
hello, I'm tired, you know what this world needs?...
send me your suggestions

6-13-1999(2:08pm)
Hello everyone!!! Tonight we are broadcasting LIVE from
from Victorian's Midnight Cafe... The band just left,
they rocked. Rosewater something, they rocked. Allright
what do you want to hear about? Life? Relativity? Anything?
Anyhow we all love friendly conversation and there's
plenty to go around. Hey, keep breathing, it'll be allright.
We all love you...
be kind, and until next time we meet, love!

6-6-1999(10:04pm)
Hello all, I'm, back What do you want to know?
Here's this week's topic, Changes...
adopting to change, living it, and making changes...
I'm back, but I can't talk now.
Thanks, love Alexis

5-27-1999(12:12pm)
Hello, all. This week's topic is Quitting. Nobody likes
quitter... That is of course, if you weren't expected to
quit in the first place. I have been trying to quit smoking
for the last 2 or 3 months now, can you believe that?
My amazing stick-to-itiveness
has pulled me through
this terribly bad habit, and I'm working on developing
this new skill, hopefully to perfection. Giving up has
taken the best of all of us at one time or
another, losing the sense of accomplishment of actually
finishing, turning all the previous effort into wasted time,
admitting a goal too big for the likes of you,
and moving on...

5-21-1999(11:25am)
Good morning... school's been goin and goin this is wierd


揷 - where has the beginning of my journal gone????
(this journal was started in 1997 and one fine day while adding an entry on a mac, I lost two and a half years of entries!... I was assured it wasn't apple's web browser that didn't allow me to save my archived entries, once again it's 'operator error' but the blame will still rest on that damn computer lab full of G3's) -揊

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